Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]

Here's something I wrote after my paper covered Occupy Oakland's General Strike last fall.

Pete Seeger Would Be Proud

The march is moving down the street,
intense as can be;
The band is playing some tunes;
Circling around the plaza and the tents,
they shout,
“Long live Oakland.”

Windows broken;
Gestures obscene,
fingers flying in the air;
The march goes on,
to the waterfront they go.

“One love, one people,”
the chants continue;
No cops on the scene;
Maybe it’s better this time around.

Kids, seniors, and animals alike,
they show their colors;
Solidarity’s hard to find these days,
when all you see is a couch on the porch
and no one’s there to say “hello.”

Crates stacked high;
The voices heard from the top;
They keep marching toward the port;
No end in sight.

Deep in my heart, I do believe,
If a revolution comes to my country
Let me remember now,
We shall overcome someday.

Mac, that was great! I love the theme, especially because it feels like it could have been about a protest in the sixties, but it's a modern day problem. It just shows how some things never change, but should. The third stanza is my favorite. I think it illustrates the fight and the hope beautifully, and it's a good reminder that protests can be peaceful at times, with people working together for the same cause. Pete Seeger would definitely be proud.

Thanks, Shannon!

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You stole my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
The sins of my father shapes my life.

So Just dry your eyes
And quit singing all your lies
Go away from me now
I am finished with this pain.

I like it, Jimmy! It's really sad, but it doesn't depress me, so that's a win in my book. My favorite line is still the one about the sins of my father. It stands out in a really strong way.

Just a couple of notes. Watch your capitalization. Unless it's a proper noun or the first word in the line, it doesn't need to be capitalized. For example, "...threw it to The moon" and "So Just dry...". Also, I think you meant to write "The sins of my father shape my life", not shapes my life.

Good work! Write on!

I just wrote those down before I forgot them...I must have left the caps button on. See, I write down lyrics before they fall out of my head.

JimmyB wrote:

I just wrote those down before I forgot them...I must have left the caps button on. See, I write down lyrics before they fall out of my head.

Ah, gotcha. I do the same thing with poetry. I always carry a notebook with me wherever I go so I can write down lines that pop into my head. If I don't, they'll be gone 30 seconds later. That's what happens when you're "a cannonball to a house on fire". There's too much going on all the time to remember everything!

Yeah...Whenever I come across a lyric entering my head, I repeat it in my head, until I can write it down, or else it disappears, and Probably is gone forever, although some have come back from time to time,

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You stole my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
The sins of my father shapes my life.

So Just dry your eyes
And quit singing all your lies
Leave me now
For I am finished with this pain.

Dry your soul less eyes
for you Janey, you always lied.

I like those two lines you added at the end, Jimmy. Was Janey a Bruce reference or Bob Seger, or both? Adding the name made it seem a little more personal and gave some extra depth to the lyrics. Nice job!

P.S. - Soulless is one word.

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

I like those two lines you added at the end, Jimmy. Was Janey a Bruce reference or Bob Seger, or both? Adding the name made it seem a little more personal and gave some extra depth to the lyrics. Nice job!

P.S. - Soulless is one word.

It was the first name that fit into the timing, that was not completely obvious (Like Wendy, Mary, Sandy,etc). I was actually thinking of "Here's looking at ya kid" and those lines fit into it.

JimmyB wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

I like those two lines you added at the end, Jimmy. Was Janey a Bruce reference or Bob Seger, or both? Adding the name made it seem a little more personal and gave some extra depth to the lyrics. Nice job!

P.S. - Soulless is one word.

It was the first name that fit into the timing, that was not completely obvious (Like Wendy, Mary, Sandy,etc). I was actually thinking of "Here's looking at ya kid" and those lines fit into it.

Excellent choice! It's classic and adds something without taking focus away from what you are saying in the rest of the song. I like it!

Jimmy, I just read your lyrics and I must say...VERY GOOD! I think you have a lot of talent.

JimmyB wrote:

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You stole my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
The sins of my father shapes my life.

So Just dry your eyes
And quit singing all your lies
Leave me now
For I am finished with this pain.

Dry your soul less eyes
for you Janey, you always lied.

I'm gonna go ahead and scrutinize this a little bit, I hope you don't mind. Why am I going to go ahead and scrutinize it? Because the first two lines are fantastic. I learned in songwriting that the most important line of the song is the first line, that's usually what reels people in. I'm having one of those "Why didn't I write that?"-moments.

So it starts out great and then it kinda takes a weird turn. I'd change stole to took/ripped, or keep the stole and just take out the out. To me it just seems to flow better that way. Also, that line doesn't rhyme with the next one. Which, normally, would be fine, but a lot of other lines do so when you suddenly decide to not do that it's just awkward. You could go for a soft rhyme if you can't think of anything. If you don't know what that is, it's words that don't exactly rhyme but sound similar. Like shine and lime, as opposed to hope and rope which is a hard rhyme.

Also, that line about your father seems very much out of place. I'm sure you've got an explanation behind it but unless you're writing psychedelic Bob Dylan lyrics the listener shouldn't have to guess too much. Now I'm not saying all lyrics have to be 100% crystal clear, they just have to fit. Now it's like you go from one thing to another way too rapidly. Don't put too many stories into one song.

Furthermore I'm not quite sure why you added those last two lines. They seem like a continuation of the chorus, but they're apart from the chorus.

Halfway through writing all this shit I realized it's a stupid idea because you never bother reading anything anyone reads anyway, but, yeah. Fucking read it, kid. You got potential.

This is carried over from a different thread that I didn't want to derail (as I tend to do!). Just out of curiousity, are there any other novelists out there?

steady now steady now wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

It was an honest mistake, don't worry about it! One time I sent out a query letter to a literary agent about my novel and accidentally addressed it Ms. so-and-so instead of Mr. I was so mortified I beat myself up about it for months. Surprise, surprise, I never got a response. So...yeah...it could be worse!

Novel? Let's hear more some time.

Haha, yeah I'm a writer...aspiring to be published. I have been working on a women's fiction series (four novels so far) among other things. In case anyone is interested in what they're about, here is the blurb from my proposal package for the first book (basically what you would read on the back cover of a book):

It is the summer of 1986, and recent high school graduate Willow Ryan is pregnant. Not wanting to disappoint her family or ruin the father’s life, Willow leaves Indiana for charming Santa Elena, California, determined to raise her child on her own without telling a soul back home. She lands a job working for a quirky Southern belle named Peggy, who has a knack for finding trouble - and humor - in the most unlikely places. Willow’s new neighbor, a friendly surfer dude named Denny, quickly becomes someone she can count on for anything, but could there be more to their relationship than Willow sees?

Get ready to laugh out loud and a shed a tear or two along with Willow as Secrets takes you on a journey that begins with an independent young woman trying her best to hide the truth, and ends with a pivotal event that turns her world upside down, forcing all of her secrets to come to light.

Now I just need to get this first book published! The other books continue her journey, and they kind of changed my life. Writing these novels has given me focus and direction that I lacked before.

Now I'm working (very slowly working) on a totally different mainstream novel that is very loosely based on my high school and people I knew back then. It's still in the beginning stages, but I have high hopes for it. It's about a group of friends who went through school together and reunite when they are 30, only to discover that they don't really know each other anymore, and maybe they didn't really know each other in the past either. Mysterious...?

[A Letter to Disappointment]
My shy small eyes
Die
With my heart
And our crippled children,

Like ditches filled with
Spirits of green
They wait beneath the bridge,
The bridge
That holds your
Impatient parade,
That hangs above
Tomorrow’s dreams.

I've become the sigh
That dances in your throat;
The distance between you and God,
Just another reason
Why you’re mad all the time,
Just another reason
Why you feel unimportant.

Now the music from
All our moments
Is darker than
The sprawling night,
It’s all I've ever cherished:
Loving you.

It’s all I've ever cherished:
Loving you
And how it kills me.

^Saddest poem ever, but very well written, as always. Knowing the story behind this one (from the romance issues thread) makes it that much more real and heartbreaking. The third stanza is the most moving to me, especially the first three lines.

"I've become the sigh
That dances in your throat;
The distance between you and God"


Reading those words kind of ripped my heart out. I feel for you, Cody.

I edited the poem above, Irish. this is it. by the end of tomorrow my book will be published and for sale on amazon.

[A Letter to Stella]
All my ghosts
Are soldered
To my despair,
Growing cold
And dying
Within my heart.

They stay dimly lit
At the front of my eyes,
Glowing in their pity
Along with
Our crippled children
And the ending
To all our mornings.

It’s all I've ever cherished:
Loving you.

Like ditches filled with
Spirits of green
Our apostled yearnings
Wait beneath the bridge,
The bridge
That holds your
Impatient parade,
That hangs above
Tomorrow’s dreams.

I've become the sigh
That dances in your throat;
The distance
Between you and God,
Just another reason
Why you’re mad all the time,
Just another reason
Why you feel
Unimportant.

Now the music from
All our moments
Is darker than
The sprawling night,
And our love is panting
In the begging of the
Summer’s bearing,
Telling everyone
How disappointed
You are in me.

It’s all I've ever cherished:
Loving you
And how it kills me.

Wow... that is Beautifully written.

Incredibly sad...but just so elegant. Well done lad.

Just something I wrote up after a night taking about good times with friends. Let me know what yous think

RnF

O, take me back to the land I love the most
Brazen rugged hills sweeping down to her white wizened coast
Blue eye skies and deep ocean loughs
Forests pretty green and bare sun bathing rocks

O, take me back to the land of which I speak
Where We lived for lifetimes, but I lost a week
If You had ever made The Fall, I would have made The Catch
We knew not of the future nor the past. We lived in the moment. We knew life goes fast.

O, take me home to the land I hold within my heart
Some say 'Never go back.' But I knew it from the start,
that this land would win me over. Now I have it in my bones
Perhaps I'm three years too late, but I know I'm not alone

O, take me home to the land I loved the best
Feel that sea breeze. I can see our college, I can see 'The Nest'
We cared not for tomorrow. We all each shared Our lights
We lived each hour carelessly, living for the day and for the night

O, take me back to the land I'll forever adore
Ever since I seen it first, ever since I passed through this door
I feel something special walking upon this road. First sight upon 'The Steps,'
in this light they're so inviting, lets sit and watch the sun set

O, take me back to the land I loved so well
Memory tries to remake that special feeling, already I sense that rich turf burnt smell
A world away from the world, where nothing ever happens yet nothing is ever still
A world hard done by words. Seeing is believing, eyes describe better than the quill

O, take me home.

Philo, that was beautiful! Your descriptions were so vivid and peaceful, and I found myself smiling as I read, especially the lines:

O take me back to the land I love the most
Brazen rugged hills sweeping down to her white wizened coast

And

O take me back to the land I loved so well
Memory tries to remake that special feeling, already I sense that rich turf burnt smell


That's how I feel about California. Some places just imprint themselves upon our lives in a way that stays with us forever. Very well done, Philo. I love it!

Harbortown wrote:

JimmyB wrote:

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You stole my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
The sins of my father shapes my life.

So Just dry your eyes
And quit singing all your lies
Leave me now
For I am finished with this pain.

Dry your soul less eyes
for you Janey, you always lied.

I'm gonna go ahead and scrutinize this a little bit, I hope you don't mind. Why am I going to go ahead and scrutinize it? Because the first two lines are fantastic. I learned in songwriting that the most important line of the song is the first line, that's usually what reels people in. I'm having one of those "Why didn't I write that?"-moments.

So it starts out great and then it kinda takes a weird turn. I'd change stole to took/ripped, or keep the stole and just take out the out. To me it just seems to flow better that way. Also, that line doesn't rhyme with the next one. Which, normally, would be fine, but a lot of other lines do so when you suddenly decide to not do that it's just awkward. You could go for a soft rhyme if you can't think of anything. If you don't know what that is, it's words that don't exactly rhyme but sound similar. Like shine and lime, as opposed to hope and rope which is a hard rhyme.

Also, that line about your father seems very much out of place. I'm sure you've got an explanation behind it but unless you're writing psychedelic Bob Dylan lyrics the listener shouldn't have to guess too much. Now I'm not saying all lyrics have to be 100% crystal clear, they just have to fit. Now it's like you go from one thing to another way too rapidly. Don't put too many stories into one song.

Furthermore I'm not quite sure why you added those last two lines. They seem like a continuation of the chorus, but they're apart from the chorus.

Halfway through writing all this shit I realized it's a stupid idea because you never bother reading anything anyone reads anyway, but, yeah. Fucking read it, kid. You got potential.

The last few parts were things that had popped into my mind during the day, and I wrote them down so I would not forget them. I want to work them into the song somehow, but I have yet to find a place for them. Thinking about it....I may keep those last two lines seprate, as a way to end the song...I mean like those being the last thing sung while the music fades out.

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You ripped my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
You left my fate doomed


So Just dry your eyes
And quit singing all your lies
Leave me now
For I am finished with this pain.

You would always Say keep your mind open and your heart free
But I knew this would never be.
How you lied with every word you would say
Yet I missed you when you left my life, yeah I missed you when you left my life

So Just Dry your eyes
And give me back my heart
Or at least a little part
Let me live again, and not have to deal
This pain I always feel


Now I thought you tonight, first time in awhile
With something Like a smile
Where are you tonight, My janey
Have The broken hearts finally caught up to you?
like they are supposed to.

So Just dry your eyes
And quit singing all your lies
Leave me now
For I am finished with this pain.
Now the tears come down, something like the rain
Now the tears come down honey something like the rain

Dry your soulless eyes
for you Janey, you always lied.(Repeated over until fade)

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Philo, that was beautiful! Your descriptions were so vivid and peaceful, and I found myself smiling as I read, especially the lines:

O take me back to the land I love the most
Brazen rugged hills sweeping down to her white wizened coast

And

O take me back to the land I loved so well
Memory tries to remake that special feeling, already I sense that rich turf burnt smell


That's how I feel about California. Some places just imprint themselves upon our lives in a way that stays with us forever. Very well done, Philo. I love it!

Thanks Its just a simple poem about a time and a place where I really felt alive I guess. Its about my favourite place in the world (Rann na Feirst, Co. Donegal, Ireland) and its just how much of an effect its had on me

I think I finally have a finished version of it. I think I am going to call it-soulless eyes.