Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]

JimmyB wrote:

I am working on something with "The Sins of our fathers,They shape our lives" as a line

Ooh, I like that! And there is some truth to that line too. I'm looking forward to hearing this song when you finish it.

Beginnings tonight:

Measured, every step you take,
Hit from all sides,
Keeping your soul awake,
Words you took to heart.

Just something I scrawled on my notepad a few nights ago

- Senses

I can hear the promises wispered in my ear
I can see a chance I had but didn't quite take
I can smell its presence as I can taste The Fear
I can feel The Night but it feels so fake
Have I been chosen by The Angel?
Or have I been charmed by The Snake?

Nice! I love how some of the things are Capitalized. Makes everything seem really epic. Some big themes in this poem

That was great, Philo! I really like how you used all the senses and brought them to life. The last two lines are fantastic because they can lead to so many possibilities and hint at so many different situations. I want to read more!

Steve70s wrote:

Beginnings tonight:

Measured, every step you take,
Hit from all sides,
Keeping your soul awake,
Words you took to heart.

Very cool, Steve! Is this part of a song you are working on? "Keeping your soul awake" is such a great line.

Yeah - I got three demos done so this will be the fourth and time for some action!

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

theBasemen wrote:

Ruined in Seconds

Whoa, this was dark and creepy and a little scary...and I really like it! The line "Your lips start shaking, the devil starts to laugh" is great. Good use of imagery. I also thought "Now you're staring at the mirror, there's nothing but an empty expression" was very strong. So sad, but we've all been there on some level. Thank you for sharing this with us!

Luckily I'm not at this level. In the Netherlands , there are a lot of sexual child abuse-cases on the news lately. I find nauseating these people can do others this harm. There's a lot of personal frustration in this song.

Last night we played the song for the first time live. If you want to watch/hear it... Here it is:

Alright well I guess I should report back on how it went lol...

All in all it was just about the most nevrewracking experience I've ever had to go through. Luckily most of the other poets I was talking to there were really nice and supportive so it put me at ease. Anyway, my sister said I did great and was very charming while I was on stage so I'm pretty happy that I did it. I was really surprised at how many people showed up as well. The auditorium fit about 200 and it looked like there were at least 150-175 people there, so it was exciting. Mary Kinzie was there too which was cool because she's easily one of the biggest living Chicago Poets. All in all it was very cool and I'm glad I gutted up and did it lol.

Also, I had no idea this would be happening until the host told me, but there will be a anthology of the event published later this May on ebook (whatever the fuck that is lol), so I'll be sure to send you guys the link or the book or whatever it actually is lol.

Btw Ruined in Seconds totally killed. Nice job.

Steve70s wrote:

Yeah - I got three demos done so this will be the fourth and time for some action!

Awesome! Can we expect some recordings in the near future?

theBasemen wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

theBasemen wrote:

Ruined in Seconds

Whoa, this was dark and creepy and a little scary...and I really like it! The line "Your lips start shaking, the devil starts to laugh" is great. Good use of imagery. I also thought "Now you're staring at the mirror, there's nothing but an empty expression" was very strong. So sad, but we've all been there on some level. Thank you for sharing this with us!

Luckily I'm not at this level. In the Netherlands , there are a lot of sexual child abuse-cases on the news lately. I find nauseating these people can do others this harm. There's a lot of personal frustration in this song.

Last night we played the song for the first time live. If you want to watch/hear it... Here it is:

Oh wow, you totally blew me away, Steve! That was a great performance! I know you said previously that your band is a throwback to the early 70s (love that so much!), so I wondering if you are a Doors fan. The song and even your movements remind me a lot of Jim Morrison, which coming from me, is a big compliment! That was really, really good.

And after you explained what inspired the song...it felt even more emotional hearing it and rereading the lyrics. I am a teacher/nanny and children play a huge part in my life, so it tears me up whenever I hear about things like that happening. It's the worst thing I can possibly imagine. I think it's great that you wrote such a powerful song that could bring awareness to such a tragic topic. I'm really impressed.

Jay wrote:

Alright well I guess I should report back on how it went lol...

All in all it was just about the most nevrewracking experience I've ever had to go through. Luckily most of the other poets I was talking to there were really nice and supportive so it put me at ease. Anyway, my sister said I did great and was very charming while I was on stage so I'm pretty happy that I did it. I was really surprised at how many people showed up as well. The auditorium fit about 200 and it looked like there were at least 150-175 people there, so it was exciting. Mary Kinzie was there too which was cool because she's easily one of the biggest living Chicago Poets. All in all it was very cool and I'm glad I gutted up and did it lol.

Also, I had no idea this would be happening until the host told me, but there will be a anthology of the event published later this May on ebook (whatever the fuck that is lol), so I'll be sure to send you guys the link or the book or whatever it actually is lol.

Btw Ruined in Seconds totally killed. Nice job.

I'm so glad that it went well! That's a pretty big crowd. It sounds like an amazing experience, and it's really cool that an anthology is being made too! Congratulations again!

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Oh wow, you totally blew me away, Steve! That was a great performance! I know you said previously that your band is a throwback to the early 70s (love that so much!), so I wondering if you are a Doors fan. The song and even your movements remind me a lot of Jim Morrison, which coming from me, is a big compliment! That was really, really good.

And after you explained what inspired the song...it felt even more emotional hearing it and rereading the lyrics. I am a teacher/nanny and children play a huge part in my life, so it tears me up whenever I hear about things like that happening. It's the worst thing I can possibly imagine. I think it's great that you wrote such a powerful song that could bring awareness to such a tragic topic. I'm really impressed.

Thanks for these words! I'm real grateful! I can fully understand your emotions with your connection. It's a damn shame mankind is doing this to the innocent little ones!

Morrison is an huge influence indeed. The spirit that's in his words always struck me, handing over that same feeling is my main goal of singing and bringing out the words.

Again, thank you Shannon!

Thanks for the feedback on my last post guys! Writing isn't really something I do but just thought I'd share a few bits and pieces with you guys

GP Was Right
Think I'm suffering from third degree burns
Some could call this a love but these just hurt
There's always been three snakes trying their best to entice me
I'm trying to swim but I'm just drowning in their sea
I try fighting the waves but I'm being weighed down
Burdened by these sorrows I've been trying to drown
Sinking faster than a cannonball on a ship I promised never to board
This could be the end of everything, always the same problems
Hell, maybe even more...

theBasemen wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Oh wow, you totally blew me away, Steve! That was a great performance! I know you said previously that your band is a throwback to the early 70s (love that so much!), so I wondering if you are a Doors fan. The song and even your movements remind me a lot of Jim Morrison, which coming from me, is a big compliment! That was really, really good.

And after you explained what inspired the song...it felt even more emotional hearing it and rereading the lyrics. I am a teacher/nanny and children play a huge part in my life, so it tears me up whenever I hear about things like that happening. It's the worst thing I can possibly imagine. I think it's great that you wrote such a powerful song that could bring awareness to such a tragic topic. I'm really impressed.

Thanks for these words! I'm real grateful! I can fully understand your emotions with your connection. It's a damn shame mankind is doing this to the innocent little ones!

Morrison is an huge influence indeed. The spirit that's in his words always struck me, handing over that same feeling is my main goal of singing and bringing out the words.

Again, thank you Shannon!

Ahahaha, I knew Jim Morrison and to be one of your influences! He was such an amazing artist. And you're welcome!

Philo wrote:

Thanks for the feedback on my last post guys! Writing isn't really something I do but just thought I'd share a few bits and pieces with you guys

GP Was Right
Think I'm suffering from third degree burns
Some could call this a love but these just hurt
There's always been three snakes trying their best to entice me
I'm trying to swim but I'm just drowning in their sea
I try fighting the waves but I'm being weighed down
Burdened by these sorrows I've been trying to drown
Sinking faster than a cannonball on a ship I promised never to board
This could be the end of everything, always the same problems
Hell, maybe even more...

You can no longer say writing isn't something you do. That was great! You have a real natural talent here, and I love how raw and fierce this poem is. The lines "I try fighting the waves but I'm being weighed down/ Burdened by these sorrows I've been trying to drown" really stand out to me. "I've been trying to drown" is such a powerful statement. Keep doing this, Philo. You're a writer now.

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You stole my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
The sins of my father shapes my life.

Well I am working from that.

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

You can no longer say writing isn't something you do. That was great! You have a real natural talent here, and I love how raw and fierce this poem is. The lines "I try fighting the waves but I'm being weighed down/ Burdened by these sorrows I've been trying to drown" really stand out to me. "I've been trying to drown" is such a powerful statement. Keep doing this, Philo. You're a writer now.

Thank so much for the positive feedback! YOu really think i've a talent for this?
Its just writings never eally be something i took so seriously, usually just scribble a few lines down when im real bored or something haha

Thank you, or as I'd usually say it 'Go raibh maith agat'

JimmyB wrote:

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You stole my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
The sins of my father shapes my life.

Well I am working from that.

This is just a grammar thing (and it may very well be a typo), but it should be "shape" instead of "shapes." I'm just nitpicky about things like that. Otherwise it's actually pretty nice.

JimmyB wrote:

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You stole my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
The sins of my father shapes my life.

Well I am working from that.

This is a good start, Jimmy. I still really like that last line. Just make sure you insert something positive and/or hopeful into the lyrics so it doesn't turn into the theme song for the romance issues thread.

Philo wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

You can no longer say writing isn't something you do. That was great! You have a real natural talent here, and I love how raw and fierce this poem is. The lines "I try fighting the waves but I'm being weighed down/ Burdened by these sorrows I've been trying to drown" really stand out to me. "I've been trying to drown" is such a powerful statement. Keep doing this, Philo. You're a writer now.

Thank so much for the positive feedback! YOu really think i've a talent for this?
Its just writings never eally be something i took so seriously, usually just scribble a few lines down when im real bored or something haha

Thank you, or as I'd usually say it 'Go raibh maith agat'

You're welcome! And yes, I do think you have a talent for this. You have a good sense of rhythm for poetry and I like your phrasing a lot. Sometimes those lines that we scribble without thinking about it turn into something beautiful.

P.S. - The Irish language is so pretty!

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

JimmyB wrote:

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You stole my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
The sins of my father shapes my life.

Well I am working from that.

This is a good start, Jimmy. I still really like that last line. Just make sure you insert something positive and/or hopeful into the lyrics so it doesn't turn into the theme song for the romance issues thread.

I am trying to keep writing....but I think I may keep this a sad song...much like it would fit on Elise.

JimmyB wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

JimmyB wrote:

I've lost my wishes, and given up on hope
On the last rung and last inch of rope.
You stole my heart out, and and threw it to The moon
The sins of my father shapes my life.

Well I am working from that.

This is a good start, Jimmy. I still really like that last line. Just make sure you insert something positive and/or hopeful into the lyrics so it doesn't turn into the theme song for the romance issues thread.

I am trying to keep writing....but I think I may keep this a sad song...much like it would fit on Elise.

Sad is fine, but don't let it get depressing. Take Cherry Blossoms for instance. It's the saddest song ever in my opinion, but it doesn't depress me at all. It just hits me emotionally, and I love that.

You've reminded me of this:

Aw, I love the Peanuts comics! And Charlie Brown is right. When a song just hits me a certain way, even if it's gut-wrenchingly sad, I want to hear it over and over again. Cherry Blossoms, Last Kiss, Leaving on a Jet Plane, and the list goes on. I guess I've always loved the sad, sad songs.