Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]

JimmyB wrote:

I think I finally have a finished version of it. I think I am going to call it-soulless eyes.

Please call it something else, unless you want it to sound like a 13 year old's first heartbreak song.

How about "Leave me?

Okay Jimmy, I just read your revised lyrics. Nice! But I agree with John on the title. Soulless Eyes is too 13-year-old girl. Leave Me would be a better choice.

I think you have made some good changes to the song. As much as I like the line about "the sins of my father shape my life" (or something along those lines), it didn't really fit this song. Are you going to use it in the future?

Yeah, I plan to keep those for another song.

JimmyB wrote:

Yeah, I plan to keep those for another song.

Good. I think you could do something really thought provoking with those lyrics. I don't know what they mean to you personally, but I think a lot of people would be able to apply them to their own lives and connect with the song.

So Should I play this this friday....Should I transition from backstreets into Leave me? or vice versa?

JimmyB wrote:

So Should I play this this friday....Should I transition from backstreets into Leave me? or vice versa?

Play Backstreets first and end with the original. That way people will remember it as the last part of your set. And duh, of course you should play it!

Hey, I was wondering what you guys think about the first two verses I've written for a song. I just recently started writing, so nothing special at all. Hopefully I can get a chance to look through this thread to read some of your guys work. Also, with school ending and the new album coming up I can start to get more active here.

Here's what I have so far:

This old heart of mine where there once did rage a fire
Has since grown cold and weary from the dreams I once aspired for
'Cause a young man's battle cannot be won by a man whose seen defeat
But I can close my eyes and still pretend that my past mistakes I won't repeat

I wish that for just one moment I could look into your eyes
And for that one fleeting moment I would not have to say goodbye
To say goodbye to everything that was so important to us then
Makes me realize just how much I wish I could grow young again

Don Carlo wrote:

Hey, I was wondering what you guys think about the first two verses I've written for a song. I just recently started writing, so nothing special at all. Hopefully I can get a chance to look through this thread to read some of your guys work. Also, with school ending and the new album coming up I can start to get more active here.

Here's what I have so far:

This old heart of mine where there once did rage a fire
Has since grown cold and weary from the dreams I once aspired for
'Cause a young man's battle cannot be won by a man whose seen defeat
But I can close my eyes and still pretend that my past mistakes I won't repeat

I wish that for just one moment I could look into your eyes
And for that one fleeting moment I would not have to say goodbye
To say goodbye to everything that was so important to us then
Makes me realize just how much I wish I could grow young again

I like the phrasing of the first stanza, makes it seem old timey which is awesome. and the message is clear and relateable, which i enjoy. keep working at it and you'll get real good

Thought you guys might enjoy this: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/features/audioitem/3364

It's a short podcast with a really good poet, WS Di Piero reading a few poems. He just won the Ruth Lilly Award.

Reading poetry is probably the best way to getting better at writing poetry.

DeathoftheCool wrote:

Don Carlo wrote:

Hey, I was wondering what you guys think about the first two verses I've written for a song. I just recently started writing, so nothing special at all. Hopefully I can get a chance to look through this thread to read some of your guys work. Also, with school ending and the new album coming up I can start to get more active here.

Here's what I have so far:

This old heart of mine where there once did rage a fire
Has since grown cold and weary from the dreams I once aspired for
'Cause a young man's battle cannot be won by a man whose seen defeat
But I can close my eyes and still pretend that my past mistakes I won't repeat

I wish that for just one moment I could look into your eyes
And for that one fleeting moment I would not have to say goodbye
To say goodbye to everything that was so important to us then
Makes me realize just how much I wish I could grow young again

I like the phrasing of the first stanza, makes it seem old timey which is awesome. and the message is clear and relateable, which i enjoy. keep working at it and you'll get real good

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it. The inspiration for those lyrics actually came from Springsteen's 'No Surrender,' the part that goes: "Now young faces grow sad and old and hearts of fire grow cold/We swore blood brothers against the wind/I'm ready to grow young again."

So I've been messing with the poem about my girlfriend and me, after our breakup I've given it a tune up towards a song and different meaning. here is this, a new poem from an old dog.

A Letter to Stella
To All my ghosts
Who Are soldered
To my despair,
Grow cold
Grow cold
And die
Within my heart.

To all my sadness
That stays dimly lit
At the front
of my eyes,
Glow with pity
And leave me
Alone
Like you found me.

But you’re all I've
Ever cherished
And all that I have
Ever known,
So stay
For the night
So I can remember
What its like
To hate myself
And pray to God
That I
Never wake up

To the crippled children
Of my liver
Who sit waiting
For more whiskey
Go play
In the ditches
Of my youthful
Memory.

To all the music from
All of my moments
That Is darker than
The sprawling night,
Go out panting
In the begging
Of the Summer’s
Bearing light.


You’ve become the sigh
That dances in my throat;
The distance
Between me and God,
Just another reason
Why I’m mad all the time,
Just another reason
Why I feel
Like dying.

But you’re all I've
Ever cherished
And all that I have
Ever known,
So stay
For the night
So I can know
What its like
To hate myself
And pray to God
That I
Never wake up

That's deep. Really well done.

The Poet Jonah wrote:

But you’re all I've
Ever cherished
And all that I have
Ever known,
So stay
For the night
So I can know
What its like
To hate myself
And pray to God
That I
Never wake up

The whole thing is truly wonderful, and very dark, but this stood out to me the most. I got goosebumps while reading it. You've got an amazing talent, for sure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1A0p0F_iH8
STELLA!!!!
Very good man every poem of yours reinforces how expressive of a writer you are

stepsandnumbers wrote:

The Poet Jonah wrote:

But you’re all I've
Ever cherished
And all that I have
Ever known,
So stay
For the night
So I can know
What its like
To hate myself
And pray to God
That I
Never wake up

The whole thing is truly wonderful, and very dark, but this stood out to me the most. I got goosebumps while reading it. You've got an amazing talent, for sure.

Exactly what Sarah said. Hauntingly, beautifully, heartbreakingly amazing. Please consider this my standing ovation.

P.S. - Jimmy, this is what a real broken heart looks like.

I also really like how the poem blurs the line between physical and emotional sickness. Like your heart's been broken so badly that your body is failing. crazy

SSfDL - #5
Not what you want.
Don't like the singing.
Won't like the moods swinging.
Shouldn't like the drinking.
Obvious this ships been built for sinking.
Not a ticket you want to buy.
Odds on to upset you. Probably make you cry.
Abandon ship before you even board.
Not enough substanse. Always going to want more.
Too 'tough'.
Too proud.
Too stubborn.
Too loud.
Not what you need.
Too hard too live with.
Too easy to live without.
Liable to argue. Definate to fight.
Irresponsible by day. Unpredictible at night.
Don't want to cause the hurt.
Don't want to cause the pain.
Not one to take the trouble.
Not what you deserve.

Wow, Philo, this is great. It's straightforward, raw, and brutally honest, which I love.

I saw myself in parts of this poem, which brings the honesty and the emotion of your words right to the surface for me. It was actually kind of shocking, because I felt like I could have written parts of this in a moment of self-criticism. Get out of my head, Philo!

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but did you write this about yourself? If you did, I commend you for being so candid and brave enough to expose parts of who you are like this. It's not an easy thing to do, I know.

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Wow, Philo, this is great. It's straightforward, raw, and brutally honest, which I love.

I saw myself in parts of this poem, which brings the honesty and the emotion of your words right to the surface for me. It was actually kind of shocking, because I felt like I could have written parts of this in a moment of self-criticism. Get out of my head, Philo!

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but did you write this about yourself? If you did, I commend you for being so candid and brave enough to expose parts of who you are like this. It's not an easy thing to do, I know.

Thanks! Aye it would be kind of written about myself, more so about a certain stage I reached in a relationship a few months back and how I maybe should have dealt with it at the time.
I guess its a sort of ssubject matter everyone could relate to at one point or another

Philo wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Wow, Philo, this is great. It's straightforward, raw, and brutally honest, which I love.

I saw myself in parts of this poem, which brings the honesty and the emotion of your words right to the surface for me. It was actually kind of shocking, because I felt like I could have written parts of this in a moment of self-criticism. Get out of my head, Philo!

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but did you write this about yourself? If you did, I commend you for being so candid and brave enough to expose parts of who you are like this. It's not an easy thing to do, I know.

Thanks! Aye it would be kind of written about myself, more so about a certain stage I reached in a relationship a few months back and how I maybe should have dealt with it at the time.
I guess its a sort of ssubject matter everyone could relate to at one point or another

Thanks for the explanation. I think that a poem/song/story becomes brilliant when pretty much anyone can identify with it, and that's exactly what you created. Bravo!

[Father]
When a preacher gets a divorce
And turns to alcohol
The children sit on
Their dark horses
In his yard.

Breathing hard
He waits for them
In the back corner
Of his empty house.

The Poet Jonah wrote:

[Father]
When a preacher gets a divorce
And turns to alcohol
The children sit on
Their dark horses
In his yard.

Breathing hard
He waits for them
In the back corner
Of his empty house.

That was dark and so sad...and a little scary. You have this way of telling a story that is really unique. You always start your poems off with a bang and I want to keep reading after the last line ends.

But...

Meet me tonight-In the desert
Meet me tonight-In the burned out factory
Meet me tonight-in a dark and empty dream
Meet me tonight-meet me tonight.

I Am not sure Where I am going to take these lyrics and sculpt them.

The Poet Jonah wrote:

[Father]
When a preacher gets a divorce
And turns to alcohol
The children sit on
Their dark horses
In his yard.

Breathing hard
He waits for them
In the back corner
Of his empty house.

I dig it dude. Excellent poem. I love the assonance of divorce and horses. Nice work.