Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]

Yozzy wrote:

Life is sad and simple here
It's been just over a year
We use her name in grace
We remember a healthy face
Grown men standing around in fear



It's the way the music sounds
The way the world goes round
Roses in the spring
Late summer flings
To this earth I'm bound

Wow, I really like this. The words are simple but beautiful and it reads so nicely, and there is so much emotion here as well. Fantastic. The line "We use her name in grace" is just gorgeous, and I'm really feeling this one. Very nice!

Okay. Working on a new song called "why do I bother"

So you drive around town every night
So you try to find some smile to
Well baby there is nothig right
With what you did to me and you hide from my eyes

And you say what is the problem with this?
You took a shot and you missed
after all the pain
Why Do I bother. Why do I bother

I said my piece and what I feel
You scraped me off like gum from your heel.
But just know this...You could have had me.

And you say what is the problem with this?
You took a shot and you missed
after all the pain
Why Do I bother. Why do I bother

So move on over everyone tells me
But they don't see what I see
They don't know the bruises
That she left me.


Good start?

So, I wrote this on my last day of my LBI trip. Ironically, it has nothing to do with the shore, or the fairgrounds, or the girls in their summer clothes. It's about the electrical storm that kept me up til 3 last night.

(Working on an intro, after the into it leads right into a HEY! shout, and then the song flares up)

I never could get it right
When it came to moonlit* nights
My untrained heart was not a lover's pad and pen

[I felt alone]*, I felt afraid
Regretted every move I made
[Asked myself if we could start over again]*

But my Grandad always said,
'Keep a warm heart* and cool head
Stay away from those backstreets
And keep the rhythm with your feet'
Alright, alright

I couldn't dance or-or keep time
Couldn't run and couldn't climb
My heart of stone came tied with two-ooh left feet

These words I wrote hoping to woo
All my blood I spilled for you
[I hope these songs make up for all of those missed calls]*

But my Grandad always said,
'Your limitation's in your head
You've got a kindly heart of gold
To keep at bay the wintry cold'

And my Grandad always said,
'Your work's not done until you're dead
Go on out and change the world
And marry a nice blonde Irish girl'
Alright, alright

Not finished of course, I need to write some closing verses and choruses

* Any starred words or bracketed lines are considered for rewrites, so please suggest fixes for them!

JimmyB wrote:

Okay. Working on a new song called "why do I bother"

So you drive around town every night
So you try to find some smile to
Well baby there is nothig right
With what you did to me and you hide from my eyes

And you say what is the problem with this?
You took a shot and you missed
after all the pain
Why Do I bother. Why do I bother

I said my piece and what I feel
You scraped me off like gum from your heel.
But just know this...You could have had me.

And you say what is the problem with this?
You took a shot and you missed
after all the pain
Why Do I bother. Why do I bother

So move on over everyone tells me
But they don't see what I see
They don't know the bruises
That she left me.


Good start?

I feel like I keep posting stuff, but never helping anyone out, so I'll begin here. This is some heavy-handed sadness. I like the choruses. I like to sing/play along to lyrics that get posted here and I really liked what I came up with. I just don't like the line about the gum. I feel it's a teensy bit cheesy and sort of takes away from the whole mood of the song. Otherwise, cool stuff, though it is depressing.

Trying for something that describes how I have been feeling, and would fit the mood of Elsie.

JimmyB wrote:

Trying for something that describes how I have been feeling, and would fit the mood of Elsie.

Yeah, I get that. I was just saying the line about bubble gum doesn't fit.

JimmyB wrote:

Okay. Working on a new song called "why do I bother"

So you drive around town every night
So you try to find some smile to
Well baby there is nothig right
With what you did to me and you hide from my eyes

And you say what is the problem with this?
You took a shot and you missed
after all the pain
Why Do I bother. Why do I bother

I said my piece and what I feel
You scraped me off like gum from your heel.
But just know this...You could have had me.

And you say what is the problem with this?
You took a shot and you missed
after all the pain
Why Do I bother. Why do I bother

So move on over everyone tells me
But they don't see what I see
They don't know the bruises
That she left me.


Good start?

Yes, this is a good start! I like the heavy feel of this song, the darker mood, but I don't really find it depressing which is good. It's sad and jaded, but it's relatable.

I agree with what Matt was saying about the gum line. I like what you're trying to accomplish there, but the gum takes away from the stronger lyrics and seems much more juvenile than everything else you have going on here.

But just know this...You could have had me - This is very Here's Looking At You, Kid and I really like it. Those few words carry a lot of emotion.

So move on over everybody tells me
But they don't see what I see
They don't know the bruises
That she left me.

This verse is great. I think it's the strongest part of the whole song. Nice work, Jimmy!

MattL wrote:

So, I wrote this on my last day of my LBI trip. Ironically, it has nothing to do with the shore, or the fairgrounds, or the girls in their summer clothes. It's about the electrical storm that kept me up til 3 last night.

(Working on an intro, after the into it leads right into a HEY! shout, and then the song flares up)

I never could get it right
When it came to moonlit* nights
My untrained heart was not a lover's pad and pen

[I felt alone]*, I felt afraid
Regretted every move I made
[Asked myself if we could start over again]*

But my Grandad always said,
'Keep a warm heart* and cool head
Stay away from those backstreets
And keep the rhythm with your feet'
Alright, alright

I couldn't dance or-or keep time
Couldn't run and couldn't climb
My heart of stone came tied with two-ooh left feet

These words I wrote hoping to woo
All my blood I spilled for you
[I hope these songs make up for all of those missed calls]*

But my Grandad always said,
'Your limitation's in your head
You've got a kindly heart of gold
To keep at bay the wintry cold'

And my Grandad always said,
'Your work's not done until you're dead
Go on out and change the world
And marry a nice blonde Irish girl'
Alright, alright

Not finished of course, I need to write some closing verses and choruses

* Any starred words or bracketed lines are considered for rewrites, so please suggest fixes for them!

I really like what you have here, Matt! This is a fantastic start. I love the last verse - this is my favorite of your grandad's wisdom and advice, the Irish girl, the alright alrights - it definitely has a Gaslight feel and that's probably the biggest compliment I can give you!

I think the lines/words you are open to changing are actually really good and I would leave them in, all except "I hope these songs make up for all of those missed calls." The two lines before it are much stronger, and I don't think this line fits in quite as much. And if this line is autobiographical, answer the girl's calls! Haha, sorry, I may be projecting just a little here.

This is a great song though. It has a nice feel, the lyrics are strong, and it makes me think of Gaslight, but I don't think you are copying Brian at all, just getting some inspiration.

"And my Grandad always said,
'Your work's not done until you're dead
Go on out and change the world
And marry a nice blonde Irish girl'
Alright, alright"

I like that verse matt.

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

MattL wrote:

So, I wrote this on my last day of my LBI trip. Ironically, it has nothing to do with the shore, or the fairgrounds, or the girls in their summer clothes. It's about the electrical storm that kept me up til 3 last night.

(Working on an intro, after the into it leads right into a HEY! shout, and then the song flares up)

I never could get it right
When it came to moonlit* nights
My untrained heart was not a lover's pad and pen

[I felt alone]*, I felt afraid
Regretted every move I made
[Asked myself if we could start over again]*

But my Grandad always said,
'Keep a warm heart* and cool head
Stay away from those backstreets
And keep the rhythm with your feet'
Alright, alright

I couldn't dance or-or keep time
Couldn't run and couldn't climb
My heart of stone came tied with two-ooh left feet

These words I wrote hoping to woo
All my blood I spilled for you
[I hope these songs make up for all of those missed calls]*

But my Grandad always said,
'Your limitation's in your head
You've got a kindly heart of gold
To keep at bay the wintry cold'

And my Grandad always said,
'Your work's not done until you're dead
Go on out and change the world
And marry a nice blonde Irish girl'
Alright, alright

Not finished of course, I need to write some closing verses and choruses

* Any starred words or bracketed lines are considered for rewrites, so please suggest fixes for them!

I really like what you have here, Matt! This is a fantastic start. I love the last verse - this is my favorite of your grandad's wisdom and advice, the Irish girl, the alright alrights - it definitely has a Gaslight feel and that's probably the biggest compliment I can give you!

I think the lines/words you are open to changing are actually really good and I would leave them in, all except "I hope these songs make up for all of those missed calls." The two lines before it are much stronger, and I don't think this line fits in quite as much. And if this line is autobiographical, answer the girl's calls! Haha, sorry, I may be projecting just a little here.

This is a great song though. It has a nice feel, the lyrics are strong, and it makes me think of Gaslight, but I don't think you are copying Brian at all, just getting some inspiration.

That's probably the biggest compliment I've ever received. There's so many songs of Brian's that I wish I had written, so my goal is to write one he wished he had. And I'll definitely work on a better last line for that one verse.

Quote :

"And my Grandad always said,
'Your work's not done until you're dead
Go on out and change the world
And marry a nice blonde Irish girl'
Alright, alright"

I like that verse matt.

Thanks, Jim!

Well, I think I have a lyric to work into my song above-not sure where though
My heart is locked and the key is broken. Or "My heart is locked, and you forever hold the key"

Just had a read through this. And wow, you guys are real talented!

Gonna really try and work on some poetry over the summer. Anyone got any tips?

Midnight Rambler wrote:

Just had a read through this. And wow, you guys are real talented!

Gonna really try and work on some poetry over the summer. Anyone got any tips?

Just be honest. There's no wrong way to write poetry. The more emotionally connected you are to it, the better.

I hope you post some of your poems here. It's always great to read someone else's work.

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Midnight Rambler wrote:

Just had a read through this. And wow, you guys are real talented!

Gonna really try and work on some poetry over the summer. Anyone got any tips?

Just be honest. There's no wrong way to write poetry. The more emotionally connected you are to it, the better.

I hope you post some of your poems here. It's always great to read someone else's work.

A lot of songs I write, I write with a story in mind. Something I want to convey to the reader/listener/audience. Sometimes this works out well for me (my first song I posted was good, and so was my most recent one) and sometimes they don't work out so much (my second one that I really am unsure about right now), but it's always great to have a story in mind. If you know where you want to go, it's easy to get there.

MattL wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Midnight Rambler wrote:

Just had a read through this. And wow, you guys are real talented!

Gonna really try and work on some poetry over the summer. Anyone got any tips?

Just be honest. There's no wrong way to write poetry. The more emotionally connected you are to it, the better.

I hope you post some of your poems here. It's always great to read someone else's work.

A lot of songs I write, I write with a story in mind. Something I want to convey to the reader/listener/audience. Sometimes this works out well for me (my first song I posted was good, and so was my most recent one) and sometimes they don't work out so much (my second one that I really am unsure about right now), but it's always great to have a story in mind. If you know where you want to go, it's easy to get there.

That's really good advice, Matt! Very true.

This is a song I've been working on for a while, but didn't finish it until recently. Not necessarily finished yet but this is what I got.

No title yet

This place is haunted by lost souls
That were easier to sell than to find
Always so familiar and forever welcoming
Offering simple guarantees
In exchange for peace of mind.

And we know, we know, that this isn’t what we want

Sometimes we’re more afraid of the light than we are of the dark
Timid to follow through
Hesitant to embark
On that path that we know
Might force us to restart
But complacency in our minds doesn’t make us content in our hearts

This empty room is full of timelines that never existed
Exposed by the brightness that was always resisted
By the souls that were sold for cash
But paid for in unwanted change
In a world of black and white
Like a book in which you never wrote a page

And we know, we know, this isn’t what we want to be
But time moves slower when you can’t remember how to breathe

Sometimes we’re more afraid of the light than we are of the dark
Timid to follow through
Hesitant to embark
On that path that we know
Might force us to restart
But complacency in our minds doesn’t make us content in our hearts

The light surrounds us and it’s tempting to close our eyes
Reject the world we always wanted fearing it might make us blind.
This may not feel wrong
But it doesn’t feel right.
So keep holding your candles
I’m staring straight at the sun

I’d rather have pain than regret
And I’m putting all I have on this never-ending bet


But for now I have nothing to lose until the day I finally win.

Well like I said before, my writing style is a simple one. if a lyric comes into my head, I must write it down, or keep thinking of it , or I will forget it forever. I then try to write around that.

I haven't gotten down to writing anything over the past week. And probably won't.

Though I'm thinking of turning "If you know where you want to go, it's easy to get there" into a lyric.

Hey that'd be cool. I could kinda see that working into a song.

"If you know where you want to go, it's easy to get there...

just turn the key and engine over..." ?

I have had a writers block in so long don't know why this is. Haikus were always my favourite! Some great lyrics/poems guys. Keep it up!

I have worked a line into my song "Heart locked" You held the keys to my heart, like your hands round my neck"

Wow, there's a whole lot of talent here! I just sat read a solid 20 pages of this thread, and I'm filled with stoke about you guys' writing. I'm new to the forum, but I'd love to contribute. This is from a series of poems about traumatic narratives that I wrote for a class. I'm rather anxious to get feedback because the only person who saw them was my teacher. Anyhoo, here it is:

A Zoological Explanation of Why I Am Often Awake at 3 AM
In my mind’s eye,
I always picture thoughts
as tiny spiders swarming the brain
skittering crazily and bumping
into one another as they scramble
up and down the grooves
and fissures of the cerebral cortex

Like any ecosystem,
this delicate intermingling of arachnids
rests precariously upon a sense of balance
that is easily upset
and thrown into disarray
by the introduction of outside elements

(such as a phone call about test results).

In the event of such a disaster,
the spiders often seek safety
deep within the sulci,
those deep dark fissures
carved into the surface
of our cold grey matter.

Upon reaching this depth,
the walls of slimy neural tissue
suddenly seem impossibly, unattainably high,
like a countertop
to a two year-old
reaching for the cookie jar.

The spiders then become unwilling
to move upwards, although
they still receive inexorable
electrical impulses that
force them to move anyway.
Since they won’t get up,
they are forced to complete
circuit after skittering circuit
around the sunken pathway
they trapped themselves into
running around and around the brain
like a herd of demented eight-legged track stars.

OldManShoes3 wrote:

This is a song I've been working on for a while, but didn't finish it until recently. Not necessarily finished yet but this is what I got.

No title yet

This place is haunted by lost souls
That were easier to sell than to find
Always so familiar and forever welcoming
Offering simple guarantees
In exchange for peace of mind.

And we know, we know, that this isn’t what we want

Sometimes we’re more afraid of the light than we are of the dark
Timid to follow through
Hesitant to embark
On that path that we know
Might force us to restart
But complacency in our minds doesn’t make us content in our hearts

This empty room is full of timelines that never existed
Exposed by the brightness that was always resisted
By the souls that were sold for cash
But paid for in unwanted change
In a world of black and white
Like a book in which you never wrote a page

And we know, we know, this isn’t what we want to be
But time moves slower when you can’t remember how to breathe

Sometimes we’re more afraid of the light than we are of the dark
Timid to follow through
Hesitant to embark
On that path that we know
Might force us to restart
But complacency in our minds doesn’t make us content in our hearts

The light surrounds us and it’s tempting to close our eyes
Reject the world we always wanted fearing it might make us blind.
This may not feel wrong
But it doesn’t feel right.
So keep holding your candles
I’m staring straight at the sun

I’d rather have pain than regret
And I’m putting all I have on this never-ending bet


But for now I have nothing to lose until the day I finally win.

Somehow I missed this until now, but I'm so glad I went back to the last page and came across this. Wow, you have some great lines here! This song is very relatable (for me at least) and you have a really good use of imagery as well. The chorus is my favorite part.

Sometimes we’re more afraid of the light than we are of the dark
Timid to follow through
Hesitant to embark
On that path that we know
Might force us to restart
But complacency in our minds doesn’t make us content in our hearts

There's a lot of truth in those words. Do you have a recording of this song? I would love to hear it!

TheTrevor wrote:

Wow, there's a whole lot of talent here! I just sat read a solid 20 pages of this thread, and I'm filled with stoke about you guys' writing. I'm new to the forum, but I'd love to contribute. This is from a series of poems about traumatic narratives that I wrote for a class. I'm rather anxious to get feedback because the only person who saw them was my teacher. Anyhoo, here it is:

A Zoological Explanation of Why I Am Often Awake at 3 AM
In my mind’s eye,
I always picture thoughts
as tiny spiders swarming the brain
skittering crazily and bumping
into one another as they scramble
up and down the grooves
and fissures of the cerebral cortex

Like any ecosystem,
this delicate intermingling of arachnids
rests precariously upon a sense of balance
that is easily upset
and thrown into disarray
by the introduction of outside elements

(such as a phone call about test results).

In the event of such a disaster,
the spiders often seek safety
deep within the sulci,
those deep dark fissures
carved into the surface
of our cold grey matter.

Upon reaching this depth,
the walls of slimy neural tissue
suddenly seem impossibly, unattainably high,
like a countertop
to a two year-old
reaching for the cookie jar.

The spiders then become unwilling
to move upwards, although
they still receive inexorable
electrical impulses that
force them to move anyway.
Since they won’t get up,
they are forced to complete
circuit after skittering circuit
around the sunken pathway
they trapped themselves into
running around and around the brain
like a herd of demented eight-legged track stars.

This was really interesting - in a very good way! I haven't come across very many things that blend science and the arts, and I thought this was very cool. And now when I'm awake at 3:00 a.m. because insomnia has gotten the best of me once again, I will be thinking about spiders crawling around in my brain. Thanks for that!

I really like how you compare our brains/thought processes to a fragile ecosystem, easily disturbed by outside interruptions, like ringing phones. My favorite part though was this stanza:

Upon reaching this depth,
the walls of slimy neural tissue
suddenly seem impossibly, unattainably high,
like a countertop
to a two year-old
reaching for the cookie jar.

That's a great visual that you gave your readers! I hope you decide to post more of your work, because I am really intrigued by this. Nice job!

"I'm Alright"

Do you remember the night
I talked you down from the ledge
Cried with you as you grieved
My support and heart I pledged

I'll never forget the day
You came into my life
With so much joy at first
Then bringing me nothing but strife

I should erase your letters
Throw them into the fire
Forget about your tales of
Pain, understanding, and desire

I should forget hushed conversations
In the loneliness that is night
Secrets that we shared,
Which were never meant to see the light

I waited around
When I should have called it a day
Praying that this one time
You would do what you say

You can't just come back
To the heart that you broke
Guided by your demons
Like a cold, cruel joke

The pain you left behind will fade
Like the hazy fog of a summer's dawn
And maybe one day I won't remember
How in your game, I was your favorite pawn

But your kind words and poetic verses
Will be alive in me forever
Something to remind me
This was not a worthless endeavor

I did nothing wrong
And I don't even blame you
But you gave me a lot of hell
I've had to fight my way through

I gave you my heart
And you murdered my soul
But don't think twice,
I'm alright