Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]

As promised, I will post the lyrics to the new record, which you can all listen to here: http://www.last.fm/music/Streetcar+Graffiti/Where+My+Ashes+Lie. I tried a lot of new things with my voice, seeing how far I could take it in different directions. And it's more personal than I've ever been, which is terrifying but kind of exciting at the same time. I think I showed growth on this, but I'll leave that to you guys to decide.

As Fast As She Can

You sweep through the room like a hurricane, melting all the boys' hearts with a glance
Everybody knows it's a waiting game, but days are like years when they end with no dance
You breeze by, leave the scent of your cigarettes cloaked by your favorite perfume
I can't help but think of the days in June that were perfect on my lids

Give me something, steady my hands
My world's been upturned and I don't know where I stand
Tattoo your name into my skin
So everyone knows just what did me in

The face in the mirror's a stranger reveling in thoughts lost to the world
She says her papa spent his life trying to change her
I accept your flaws but just try to understand mine, girl

She will get here when she can

You say she'll find me and I won't be lost then
My baby's getting here as fast as she can

Spanish Rose

You met her once in the common room, she was sitting on a black couch
And you smoothly said how it looked so comfortable
She smiled and asked if you'd take a seat, you said, "Nothing would please me more"
You started losing your cool as you got so close to her

And your wingman John says...

Get your shit together while you still got the chance
Give your all for the losers who dream of romance
I heard she's in the garden looking for a kindred soul
Put your best self on and pick yourself a Spanish rose

You asked why she was here at school, did she have a perfect life
And what she planned to do with a degree in botany
She swelled with resentment as she turned to me
'Cause you were me all along
I didn't have a mirror to see if it was all a soliloquy

I drum some courage up and...

Get my shit together while I still got the chance
Give my all for us losers who dream of romance
I see her in the garden looking for a kindred soul
I put my best self on and pick myself a Spanish rose

Nightingale

The night brings out the Socrates in me
Scribbling Biblical irrational thoughts before I sleep
If you find that I have died when the sun returns
Remember it's not you that gave me all these scars and burns

I will be the Nightingale flying to you tonight
Appearing at your window along a beam of light
If you aren't home then, darling, keep this close
I'll ride along the stars until we turn to ghosts

They never taught you how to sing the blues
You think you're something special 'cause once you learned to lose
If you find a better time that's locked inside your mind
Throw away the key, 'cause baby, secrets are the killing kind

I will be your sympathy when you need someone
Hearing all the ways you say good things come undone
Place a final promise into your outstretched palms
I'll find a brand new way to tell you I'll love you 'til we're gone

Absentee

Ever since I put that ring onto her finger I knew this day would come
If you insist on staying in her life then hear these words
There's more to being there than just saying she's Daddy's little girl

I know she wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you
You don't have to remind me every day
But now you don't know the things that I do
Like she was glad when you walked away

Flip them children hundred dollar bills and anecdotes
Of meeting presidents, you bought it all, but not her soul

So I'ma be her man now

You couldn't just let us be happy, no, you had to go
And throw everything that you had at us

So I'ma be her man now

Lovers Lane

I heard it takes three chords to get to the truth
How many more 'til I get it from you?
Maybe I was always just misled
I drove to Princeton battlefield
Waited for this pain to yield
Wrote a note I wish you'd never read

I saved your kisses in the jar where I keep each lilac torn
Like that time we embraced the summer rain and you left me at Lovers Lane

You pulled up in a car that I couldn't seem to recognize
I've put the pieces right since
Some man who doesn't know your favorite songs on the radio
His only touch a lockjaw kiss

I never thought we'd get this far
Your eyes reminding me of war
A diamond ring on meadows past
My bleeding heart will never lapse
A killer's gaze that caught my eye
I'm too far gone for him to try
This pain will force me soon to yield
I'll learn to love, I'll learn to steal

Boy, Why Are You Crying?

Would I be remembered if I drove this car straight into Dead Man's Cove?
Leave me to die, I'm unwilling to try anything more tonight
You say it's time to move on, I cry my eyes out to my favorite song
Leave me alone, I'm watching this phone on the off-chance she calls tonight

Boy, why are you crying?
I remember when we were both flying
This mirror is fucking with my head
Was it you or me who bled?
Out from these wounds, unspoiled by truth
And the promise of an absolute love

I get sick at my own voice, the desperation buried in a pocket of noise
Leave me here in a pool of my tears, my shame has departed tonight
I wish I could learn the way that these cold lovers burn
Up into ash under the overpass where I make my home tonight

Am I a poet or a fool? Washed out by the memory of a spool
Of meaningless threads attached to my head, a ragged old puppet tonight
There's nothing wrong with my thoughts, but if there is, what's the cost?
Left in my head, my baby's been bled, and so too shall I tonight

Blood On The Tiles

What did I see in you? Just a little too much truth
Painful is as lovers do, I'm so downhearted
You've fortified my skin, I won't be drawn back in
Save the poison for the fucking dogs, my darling

Your lies are carved into your face, my lover
I can't believe I let you break my courage down
It's all the pain that sets this man apart
There ain't a cure for self-destructive hearts...I'm sick tonight

I bet you're happy now, took his heart and left without
Ever picking up the pieces you left scattered
I see you've found some strength, it must've been two days
Waiting for the fool who would lie with you nightly

His pain is etched into your every movement
You can't fool me, you're just a lying little girl
You took his pride, ungrateful to the last
I'm sick, I left a drop of blood on the tiles

Abandon Ship

Your courage fades away as you gaze upon the sky reflected in the river tonight
I remember the wedding on the Navesink banks
The day we'd never find the reasons why

Oh, my brother this isn't the end...

Abandon ship, boy, she took your pride
Abandon ship, boy, don't burden your eyes
With bracing the barricade, there ain't no shame in this
Your tears ain't a crime
Abandon ship, boy, we'll stay by your side

My mama said she didn't like the way she treated you
Maybe she knows how you are
Now the lights are stuck on yellow while the clock threatens midnight
Lit cities like thousands of tiny candles on canvas as black as tar

I'll never be her man now

Forget Me Not Blue

Don't lose hope, boy, just turn the page and start again...

Trying so hard to catch my breath and
Remember all the lessons that the young boys bled
Have I grown too old for them to be of use?
I've learned to be a puppet but the string is coming loose

Where did you go? Did I lose you somewhere in the snow?

Meet me in the mountains where the road and sky collide
And don't bring no one in the passenger side
I'll be waiting for you, always waiting for you

Meet me in the heavens where the lonely angels dance
Your fortune lies inside the palm of your hand
I'll be waiting for you, always waiting for you

Your lover's claws sank in too deep
But let it be a catalyst for something soft and sweet
Let the widow's web start to come a little loose
What happens doesn't matter, no, it matters how it's used

I will be wasting away in the basement with all of the people you once knew
I will be waiting for you
Your eyes of forget me not blue

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Jimmy, your song is coming along nicely! I think it flows better now and I like the line about Roy Orbison. That was a nice touch.

plus I was finally able to get a image from my favorite sport...

JimmyB wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Jimmy, your song is coming along nicely! I think it flows better now and I like the line about Roy Orbison. That was a nice touch.

plus I was finally able to get a image from my favorite sport...

Yeah, I actually caught that. Living the South, I see at least a dozen pickup trucks with 24 or 3 bumper stickers on them every day!

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

JimmyB wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Jimmy, your song is coming along nicely! I think it flows better now and I like the line about Roy Orbison. That was a nice touch.

plus I was finally able to get a image from my favorite sport...

Yeah, I actually caught that. Living the South, I see at least a dozen pickup trucks with 24 or 3 bumper stickers on them every day!

24 really? I thought most people from the south STILL hated Jeff Gordon (#24) for no reason....no 88? LOL...(#3/Dale Sr's Son drives the #88) No one is ever gonna stop having 3 stickers....I even have one on my guitar case.

JimmyB wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

JimmyB wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Jimmy, your song is coming along nicely! I think it flows better now and I like the line about Roy Orbison. That was a nice touch.

plus I was finally able to get a image from my favorite sport...

Yeah, I actually caught that. Living the South, I see at least a dozen pickup trucks with 24 or 3 bumper stickers on them every day!

24 really? I thought most people from the south STILL hated Jeff Gordon (#24) for no reason....no 88? LOL...(#3/Dale Sr's Son drives the #88) No one is ever gonna stop having 3 stickers....I even have one on my guitar case.

Haha, nope, lots of Jeff Gordon fans around here. Yeah, some #88s, but more #3s. Let's not derail this thread though!

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

JimmyB wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

JimmyB wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

Jimmy, your song is coming along nicely! I think it flows better now and I like the line about Roy Orbison. That was a nice touch.

plus I was finally able to get a image from my favorite sport...

Yeah, I actually caught that. Living the South, I see at least a dozen pickup trucks with 24 or 3 bumper stickers on them every day!

24 really? I thought most people from the south STILL hated Jeff Gordon (#24) for no reason....no 88? LOL...(#3/Dale Sr's Son drives the #88) No one is ever gonna stop having 3 stickers....I even have one on my guitar case.

Haha, nope, lots of Jeff Gordon fans around here. Yeah, some #88s, but more #3s. Let's not derail this thread though!

Last comment before we rerail this... Huge Gordon fan here....Also supporting the new driver of the #3. But yeah, No matter where you go, you will always see a pickup with a #3 sticker in the rear window. Okay-rerailing thread now. Think I could work "No matter where you go, you will always see a pickup with a #3 sticker in the rear window" into a song'?

^Hmm...unless it's really, really country, I'm sure how you'd pull that off. You could try to figure something out though.

@JohnnyC - WOW. I don't even know what to say really. The lyrics to the other album you posted were great, but these are amazing. When I clicked on the link to listen though, last.fm said the album could not be found. If it's not too much trouble, could you try uploading it again?

Okay, I'll do like I did with the last album and let you know what some of my favorite lines were. Sorry to everyone who has to scan down such a long post, but I have a lot to say here.

"As Fast As She Can"

The face in the mirror's a stranger reveling in thoughts lost to the world
She says her papa spent his life trying to change her
I accept your flaws but just try to understand mine, girl

This is beautiful. What a fantastic way of saying that you accept this girl no matter what, even when her own father wouldn't, and you just want the same from her. I love it. And that first line is so dark, "thoughts lost to the world"... I can relate to that.

"Spanish Rose"

She swelled with resentment as she turned to me
'Cause you were me all along
I didn't have a mirror to see if it was all a soliloquy

This is very poetic. This whole album is. I can definitely see how your writing style changed between these two albums, and the line about the mirror and the soliloquy illustrates that perfectly. And I think the chorus to this song is great too. The part about the losers who dream of romance made me think of Tom Petty's "Even the Losers" which is one of my favorite songs of his. You just wrote that message in a darker, more poetic way.

"Nighingale"

The night brings out the Socrates in me
Scribbling Biblical irrational thoughts before I sleep
If you find that I have died when the sun returns
Remember it's not you that gave me all these scars and burns

This verse is gorgeous. It feels kind of tormented and painful, but the rest of the song is so full of emotion for this girl, it becomes really sweet in a way. Not sugary sweet because the darkness is definitely still there, but the love you are trying to get across through your words really shows. I hope that makes sense.

"Absentee"

I can't list a single line or verse with this one, because they all stand out to me in certain ways. I feel like this song picked up where the line "She says her papa spent his life trying to change her" in "Fast As She Can" left off. I have to say, I kind of hate this girl's father, but man, you tell this story really, really well.

"Lovers Lane"

Waited for this pain to yield
Wrote a note I wish you'd never read

I think everyone can relate to these two lines. Love is painful, and we all say (or write) things to someone we love that we regret for whatever reason. There were a ton of great lines in this song, but those are the two that stood out to me the most.


"Boy, Why Are You Crying?"

Would I be remembered if I drove this car straight into Dead Man's Cove?
Leave me to die, I'm unwilling to try anything more tonight
You say it's time to move on, I cry my eyes out to my favorite song
Leave me alone, I'm watching this phone on the off-chance she calls tonight

-----

Am I a poet or a fool? Washed out by the memory of a spool
Of meaningless threads attached to my head, a ragged old puppet tonight

This song took my breath away. The title immediately made me think of "I Witnessed a Crime" but the lyrics made me feel like I was listening to "Cherry Blossoms". Wow. I read the lyrics to this song a few times just to make sure I was seeing the words right because there are parts of this song that feel like I could have written myself. I really identified with this one, especially the first verse I quoted above (just change she to he in that last line, haha). This whole song is just incredible. And the second lines I quoted, I wrote a poem with a similar theme not too long ago (I didn't post it here). That was kind of eery to read, but it's also nice to know that other people can relate to how messed up life can be. Maybe misery really does love company. But I think those are my two favorite lines of this whole album.

"Blood On the Tiles"

I see you've found some strength, it must've been two days
Waiting for the fool who would lie with you nightly

I really like how the word lie in the second line could mean two different things. It gives the lyrics a lot of depth and character. And also this line:

What did I see in you? Just a little too much truth

That one kind of broke my heart.

"Abandon Ship"

Now the lights are stuck on yellow while the clock threatens midnight
Lit cities like thousands of tiny candles on canvas as black as tar

This was such a sad song. I love these lines though. They paint a really striking picture of the end of a relationship. It always amazes me when people can write about pain with so much beauty. That's a really difficult thing to do.

"Forget Me Not Blue"

What a fantastic way to end the album. This song is gorgeous. My favorite part by far were these lines:

Meet me in the heavens where the lonely angels dance
Your fortune lies inside the palm of your hand
I'll be waiting for you, always waiting for you

It reminded me so much of "I Believe Jesus Brought Us Together", not like you were copying Brian at all, but just the feel and the mention of angels and everything.

I'm really impressed by all of these songs. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your lyrics with us. I know how difficult it is to put something so personal on display for people to read, judge, critique, whatever, and I hope you feel this gamble paid off. Really, really well done.

Grr, Last.fm pisses me off so much sometimes. This post is a placeholder to see if this new link works...I'll come back and edit with a very long post regarding my thoughts and feedback to your feedback haha.

http://www.last.fm/music/Streetcar+Graffiti/Where+My+Ashes+Lie

JohnnyC wrote:

Grr, Last.fm pisses me off so much sometimes. This post is a placeholder to see if this new link works...I'll come back and edit with a very long post regarding my thoughts and feedback to your feedback haha.

http://www.last.fm/music/Streetcar+Graffiti/Where+My+Ashes+Lie

This link worked fine.

I think these songs sound great! This is the kind of stuff that should be playing when I turn on the radio. Then I wouldn't have to change the station constantly!

The only negative thing I noticed was that on Lovers Lane (especially) and Boy, Why Are You Crying, the vocals are really quiet. I had to turn the volume almost all the way up on my computer to really hear the words on Lovers Lane.

I swear I will do the long post today but I'm kinda busy right now haha. But I will get to it!

Quickly I'd just say that it was kinda purposeful to have those songs be a little distant. It has to do with the record and the concept behind it, but I'll explain it more when I get more time later on.

JohnnyC wrote:

I swear I will do the long post today but I'm kinda busy right now haha. But I will get to it!

Quickly I'd just say that it was kinda purposeful to have those songs be a little distant. It has to do with the record and the concept behind it, but I'll explain it more when I get more time later on.

Haha, okay, cool! I'm looking forward to the explanation. But seriously, really, really great. I gave your songs a little plug in spam too, so maybe some of the people who don't normally look at this thread will venture in and listen to your recordings and read the lyrics.

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

@JohnnyC - WOW. I don't even know what to say really. The lyrics to the other album you posted were great, but these are amazing. When I clicked on the link to listen though, last.fm said the album could not be found. If it's not too much trouble, could you try uploading it again?

Okay, I'll do like I did with the last album and let you know what some of my favorite lines were. Sorry to everyone who has to scan down such a long post, but I have a lot to say here.

"As Fast As She Can"

The face in the mirror's a stranger reveling in thoughts lost to the world
She says her papa spent his life trying to change her
I accept your flaws but just try to understand mine, girl

This is beautiful. What a fantastic way of saying that you accept this girl no matter what, even when her own father wouldn't, and you just want the same from her. I love it. And that first line is so dark, "thoughts lost to the world"... I can relate to that.

"Spanish Rose"

She swelled with resentment as she turned to me
'Cause you were me all along
I didn't have a mirror to see if it was all a soliloquy

This is very poetic. This whole album is. I can definitely see how your writing style changed between these two albums, and the line about the mirror and the soliloquy illustrates that perfectly. And I think the chorus to this song is great too. The part about the losers who dream of romance made me think of Tom Petty's "Even the Losers" which is one of my favorite songs of his. You just wrote that message in a darker, more poetic way.

"Nighingale"

The night brings out the Socrates in me
Scribbling Biblical irrational thoughts before I sleep
If you find that I have died when the sun returns
Remember it's not you that gave me all these scars and burns

This verse is gorgeous. It feels kind of tormented and painful, but the rest of the song is so full of emotion for this girl, it becomes really sweet in a way. Not sugary sweet because the darkness is definitely still there, but the love you are trying to get across through your words really shows. I hope that makes sense.

"Absentee"

I can't list a single line or verse with this one, because they all stand out to me in certain ways. I feel like this song picked up where the line "She says her papa spent his life trying to change her" in "Fast As She Can" left off. I have to say, I kind of hate this girl's father, but man, you tell this story really, really well.

"Lovers Lane"

Waited for this pain to yield
Wrote a note I wish you'd never read

I think everyone can relate to these two lines. Love is painful, and we all say (or write) things to someone we love that we regret for whatever reason. There were a ton of great lines in this song, but those are the two that stood out to me the most.


"Boy, Why Are You Crying?"

Would I be remembered if I drove this car straight into Dead Man's Cove?
Leave me to die, I'm unwilling to try anything more tonight
You say it's time to move on, I cry my eyes out to my favorite song
Leave me alone, I'm watching this phone on the off-chance she calls tonight

-----

Am I a poet or a fool? Washed out by the memory of a spool
Of meaningless threads attached to my head, a ragged old puppet tonight

This song took my breath away. The title immediately made me think of "I Witnessed a Crime" but the lyrics made me feel like I was listening to "Cherry Blossoms". Wow. I read the lyrics to this song a few times just to make sure I was seeing the words right because there are parts of this song that feel like I could have written myself. I really identified with this one, especially the first verse I quoted above (just change she to he in that last line, haha). This whole song is just incredible. And the second lines I quoted, I wrote a poem with a similar theme not too long ago (I didn't post it here). That was kind of eery to read, but it's also nice to know that other people can relate to how messed up life can be. Maybe misery really does love company. But I think those are my two favorite lines of this whole album.

"Blood On the Tiles"

I see you've found some strength, it must've been two days
Waiting for the fool who would lie with you nightly

I really like how the word lie in the second line could mean two different things. It gives the lyrics a lot of depth and character. And also this line:

What did I see in you? Just a little too much truth

That one kind of broke my heart.

"Abandon Ship"

Now the lights are stuck on yellow while the clock threatens midnight
Lit cities like thousands of tiny candles on canvas as black as tar

This was such a sad song. I love these lines though. They paint a really striking picture of the end of a relationship. It always amazes me when people can write about pain with so much beauty. That's a really difficult thing to do.

"Forget Me Not Blue"

What a fantastic way to end the album. This song is gorgeous. My favorite part by far were these lines:

Meet me in the heavens where the lonely angels dance
Your fortune lies inside the palm of your hand
I'll be waiting for you, always waiting for you

It reminded me so much of "I Believe Jesus Brought Us Together", not like you were copying Brian at all, but just the feel and the mention of angels and everything.

I'm really impressed by all of these songs. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your lyrics with us. I know how difficult it is to put something so personal on display for people to read, judge, critique, whatever, and I hope you feel this gamble paid off. Really, really well done.

First off, you flatter me so very much. I can't even put that into words haha. But I appreciate it greatly, of course. These songs (and your feedback) mean so much to me I'm going to take a while with this post.

As Fast As She Can - yes, these lines were very important to me for a lot of reasons. You truly have an uncanny knack for picking the lines that are most personal to me.

Spanish Rose - Again, my favorite moments laid out before me haha. I kind of grew up with Petty (and Bruce even moreso) always being played around the house, so that makes a lot of sense. And I'd say "darker and more poetic" is what I was going for in general with this record. And you could throw in "more personal" or "more autobiographical"

Nightingale - It absolutely makes sense. I think a lot of my favorite songs have honest, heart-on-sleeve emotion with an underlying sense of darkness. It's a sweet spot I often aim for and I'm glad it seems I struck the right balance with this song. This one's very special to me.

Absentee - Yeah, I feel this is where it becomes very apparent that the record is one big story. Again, this is almost too personal to expand on, but it was important to get out, I feel. The only thing I'll say is I'm glad that you don't like the father character. Because I spent a lot of time trying to make the listener feel how the main character feels, rather than just say how the main character feels, if that makes any sense. If it was just like, "Fuck you! You suck!" the listener would be like, "Hmm, this kid whines a lot. The father probably just cares about his daughter a lot. No need to bitch about it." Which makes the story fall apart.

Lovers Lane - Okay, so mostly I'm going to talk about the reasoning for the muffled, distant production on this and the next song. Basically the idea behind that was every time the main character was feeling completely down and out on his luck (basically no hope), the music would become very distant, almost nonexistent. I really wanted the listener to feel like they're walking down a street in the city on a rainy day and around the corner they can hear a busker singing his problems out to the night sky. That's why when he starts to focus his thoughts (in the second half of the song) the music explodes in and it becomes much clearer. It's that moment we often have as people when we say "Hey! You know what? I'm not going to let this get me down! I'm starting over again!" And it rarely lasts that long, in my experience, which leads us into the next song...

Boy, Why Are You Crying? - I definitely feel like this is the best thing I've written. Mostly because I didn't do what I often retreat to, which is cloaking my thoughts in seven layers of imagery so that it's difficult to actually decipher what I'm saying. Before the Postcards LP people would always say my lyrics were very opaque. Because of the way life's taken me lately I've just been deciding to be brutally honest. And to me that's what this song. The rawest, most direct thing I've written...and in turn what I'm most proud of.

Blood On The Tiles - One of the hardest things to write. I knew I needed something that conveyed the pure disgust and loathing that most of us have felt at some point towards a member of the opposite sex (or same sex; I don't want to discriminate haha). But again, it's like with Absentee...I can't just have the main character insult the girl the whole time. Which is why the second verse and second chorus is from the perspective of John, the main character's best friend (he was referenced in Spanish Rose).

Abandon Ship - Those might my two favorite lines I've ever written in terms of pure imagery. Those are among the many lines from this record that I wrote while on a plane or a train. Staring out windows seems to clear my mind very well...just very peaceful to me. This song is also ridiculously autobiographical.

Forget Me Not Blue - It was important to me that after the darkest material I've ever written to have the record end on a slightly hopeful, wistful note, if not entirely joyous. There needed to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you so much once again. It was a little terrifying to write a lot of these songs and while just getting it out there makes it worthwhile, seeing it received this well is like the cherry on top.

And I swear I'll be much nicer to the fairer sex on the next record haha. The challenge will be writing interesting things while being fairly happy and generally satisfied. Lots of happy lyrics haha...gotta figure out how to do that on a consistent basis.

JohnnyC, thank you so much for explaining your thoughts behind writing all of those songs and why the vocals are quieter on Lovers Lane and Boy, Why Are You Crying?. That makes total sense now and it's actually a really cool idea.

I definitely hated the girl's dad. You did a great job of showing how he is rather than just telling. I struggle with that part of writing poetry sometimes, so when I see it in someone else's writing, it always stands out to me. These songs never seemed whiny or complain-y at all. Don't worry about that for a second!

I totally felt that this record was more personal. These aren't the kinds of lyrics a person can just make up and be convincing. There was a lot of pain in these songs, but it wasn't a downer of a record at all. It was more like validation for what we feel during the more depressing parts of life and with the last song, that there is always hope. That's why this reminds me of Elsie.

I'm really glad that some of the lines that stood out to me so much are some of your favorites as well. I know as a writer that it means a lot when people get what you're trying to say and pick up on the more important key parts. And I really think your words and the meaning behind them came out loud and clear. And I want to commend you on not only sharing these songs with the forum, but also for writing them in the first place. I agree, it's terrifying putting all of your emotions and experiences on paper (and in your case, recording them as well). Seeing those words in front of you, all exposed and so real, is beyond nerve-wracking. But you did it and I hope you got a lot out of it. I feel like I got a lot out of reading your lyrics and hearing the music. It's crazy how much I identified with parts of this album.

Haha, don't be worried about being nicer to women on your next record. Just write honest songs that mean something to you. Sometimes women are total jerks, just like men. If that's what you're feeling, write it down. I haven't figured how to write consistently happy things yet either!

Well, I'm definitely taking my time with the next one. As of now my life's good enough that I don't have much to scream about haha. I've had a lot of ideas about where it should go so far, but I keep changing my mind. I tend to work very quickly but also be an annoying perfectionist, so it should be interesting to see how long it takes. I'm not rushing or purposefully taking it slow...I just want the songs to be good because I feel like I set a certain quality standard with the first one and then went above and beyond that bar on the second. So now it's kind of like...I feel a certain responsibility to cut the stuff that's not up to the standards of these songs.

EDIT: Oh, and I forgot...what I meant with the being nicer to women thing was this: I write all my best stuff when I'm feeling exactly the way the character in the song is feeling. I've come to slowly realize that. However...I'm fortunate enough that very recently things have been looking way up. Pain, my favorite and oldest muse, has subsided, at least for the time being.

That makes perfect sense. I'm a perfectionist also, so I get how annoying that can be. And I'm glad that you're in a good place now. It'll be interesting to see what direction that takes your songwriting in. I'm sure it will be great! And I'm downloading your albums onto my computer tomorrow.

I had a detailed explanation for everything regarding this, from writing style to my own opinion, but I deleted that, and leave you with this:

This one is written about a girl.

She hid herself behind a mask
Of good intentions and generosity
Bluejay was just a baby bird
Who flew with others, but couldn't see
Just how a girl could fly on for herself

Chorus (Lyrics are probably going to change slightly during each chorus):

And Bluejay
Was the crack of heat lightning on a soft summer night
A big bright golden flash with the trembling sound on soft
And Bluejay
Was a hero and a lover and a villainess too,
A three-time deserter of the old church choir loft

She took her beatings in the boxing ring
She stood her ground and never faltered
The warrior in her kept on fighting
But the lover in her was left at the altar
Her one-two punch sent shivers up my spine

-Chorus-

Her heart was a broken record
Beats skipping to different tunes
The meter all uncoordinated
A bluesy voice like a sailor's croon
I never really could get past her azure eyes

-Chorus-

(Prospective Verse 4, as-in, I'm constantly rewriting this part)
Bluejay was my one true darling,
But I knew her one true love wasn't me
So I hid myself behind this mask
Of motown soul and generosity
Just promise me he treats you good, my dear

Right now I feel it's too poetry-like and not song-enough. I'm finding it difficult to put to a rhythm.

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

I think you've got something good here! I agree with you that it needs a little something else at the end, but I like these lyrics. It's pretty heavy but there's a sense of hope in it too, like the line "Knocked down but never broke". That's a great line.

Anything but empty
Everything but perfect
Words painted in blood
Spoken in English

I really like the first three lines here, but there's something about the last line that feels a bit off to me. I think maybe "English" just sounds too scholastic or something...I don't know. But it kind of distracted me from how great the rest of that stanza was.

All in all I think you have a really good song. When you come up with an ending, please post it so we can see what you ended up with.

Thanks for your feedback! I finally came up with an ending, so I'll go ahead and post it, along with another song I came up with called Minutes to Midnight. Let me know what you think!

Document8

I walk through the door
Breaching the locks and the time
Burdened by both hope and fear
Ignoring every warning sign.

The air is hard to breath
A mixture of light and smoke
Staring down these walls
Knocked down but never broke.

A sight to see
A fog clearly lit under debris
Always hidden but often explored
A never-ending race with infinite energy stored.

Anything but empty
Everything but perfect
Words painted in blood
Spoken in English

A cadence deafening
Static sounds of songs we already sing
All the same but somehow different
Misdirection in the race remains persistent

These walls echo the sounds
But the air covers the words
The light reflects from the ground
On a spectrum split into thirds.

Never complete
Infinite space to run
But if there was ever a time to stop
This isn’t the one.

Cause these answers bleed
As fast as I do
Onto empty red pages
That I own every right to

I walk through the door
The locks to this heart don’t change
But the air here still blinds me
Keeping me hopeful but afraid

Quick story behind this next song: I was listening to Here's Lookin At You Kid and was preparing for the next song I wanted play, which was off Linkin Park's "Minutes to Midnight." I came up with that one line in the chorus, reminded me of a night from a few weeks ago, and from there the rest of the song flowed out in about 10 minutes. And this was about after 2 weeks of not being able to write anything.

Minutes to Midnight

Watch the cars
Pass by like the time
Stare at the moon
Provides dim light it feels so right.
Gaze at the stars
Makes me feel small as I stand tall.
On these midtown streets
Deaf to all the sounds that drone on like steady beats

I can’t describe this feeling
So real and empty at the same time
Wishing just this once for something to be black or white.
I don’t know what I’m searching for but I hope that it comes soon
A few minutes to midnight, and I’m just waiting by the moon.

Is time moving fast
Or am I moving slow?
Are these burdens this heavy
Or is there a way to carry them I don’t know?
I buried my troubles
But they come back every time
Always seeking revenge
On my thoughts and on my mind

I can’t describe this feeling
So real and empty at the same time
Sifting through the gray for just one thing to be black or white.
Don’t know what I’m hoping for but I hope that it comes soon.
A few minutes to midnight, and I’m just waiting by the moon.
A few minutes to midnight, that I’m just wasting by the moon.

I won’t let myself break this easy.
I’m too uncertain to be sure
Too young to know what I believe
Cause I don’t want to spend my life
Confined by thoughts I never chose,
I’ll find out what I believe
When my heart has found it’s home.

A few minutes to midnight, and I’m just waiting by the moon.
A few minutes to midnight, and I’ll keep waiting by the moon.

MattL wrote:

I had a detailed explanation for everything regarding this, from writing style to my own opinion, but I deleted that, and leave you with this:

This one is written about a girl.

She hid herself behind a mask
Of good intentions and generosity
Bluejay was just a baby bird
Who flew with others, but couldn't see
Just how a girl could fly on for herself

Chorus (Lyrics are probably going to change slightly during each chorus):

And Bluejay
Was the crack of heat lightning on a soft summer night
A big bright golden flash with the trembling sound on soft
And Bluejay
Was a hero and a lover and a villainess too,
A three-time deserter of the old church choir loft

She took her beatings in the boxing ring
She stood her ground and never faltered
The warrior in her kept on fighting
But the lover in her was left at the altar
Her one-two punch sent shivers up my spine

-Chorus-

Her heart was a broken record
Beats skipping to different tunes
The meter all uncoordinated
A bluesy voice like a sailor's croon
I never really could get past her azure eyes

-Chorus-

(Prospective Verse 4, as-in, I'm constantly rewriting this part)
Bluejay was a my one true darling,
It's just too bad her love was not for me
So I hid myself behind this mask
Of motown soul and generosity
Just promise me he treats you good, my dear

Right now I feel it's too poetry-like and not song-enough. I'm finding it difficult to put to a rhythm.

This is great. There are so many phrases and lines in this song that are fantastic. I do get more of a poetry vibe than a music vibe though, as you were saying, but only in the first two verses. The chorus and the third and prospective fourth verse (which I really like as it is) seem to have more of a musical flow to me as I read the lyrics. Here are some of my favorite lines:

And Bluejay
Was the crack of heat lightning on a soft summer night

A three-time deserter of the old church choir loft (LOVE THIS)

Her one-two punch sent shivers up my spine

So I hid myself behind this mask
Of Motown soul and generosity

OldManShoes3 wrote:

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:

I think you've got something good here! I agree with you that it needs a little something else at the end, but I like these lyrics. It's pretty heavy but there's a sense of hope in it too, like the line "Knocked down but never broke". That's a great line.

Anything but empty
Everything but perfect
Words painted in blood
Spoken in English

I really like the first three lines here, but there's something about the last line that feels a bit off to me. I think maybe "English" just sounds too scholastic or something...I don't know. But it kind of distracted me from how great the rest of that stanza was.

All in all I think you have a really good song. When you come up with an ending, please post it so we can see what you ended up with.

Thanks for your feedback! I finally came up with an ending, so I'll go ahead and post it, along with another song I came up with called Minutes to Midnight. Let me know what you think!

Document8

I walk through the door
Breaching the locks and the time
Burdened by both hope and fear
Ignoring every warning sign.

The air is hard to breath
A mixture of light and smoke
Staring down these walls
Knocked down but never broke.

A sight to see
A fog clearly lit under debris
Always hidden but often explored
A never-ending race with infinite energy stored.

Anything but empty
Everything but perfect
Words painted in blood
Spoken in English

A cadence deafening
Static sounds of songs we already sing
All the same but somehow different
Misdirection in the race remains persistent

These walls echo the sounds
But the air covers the words
The light reflects from the ground
On a spectrum split into thirds.

Never complete
Infinite space to run
But if there was ever a time to stop
This isn’t the one.

Cause these answers bleed
As fast as I do
Onto empty red pages
That I own every right to

I walk through the door
The locks to this heart don’t change
But the air here still blinds me
Keeping me hopeful but afraid

Quick story behind this next song: I was listening to Here's Lookin At You Kid and was preparing for the next song I wanted play, which was off Linkin Park's "Minutes to Midnight." I came up with that one line in the chorus, reminded me of a night from a few weeks ago, and from there the rest of the song flowed out in about 10 minutes. And this was about after 2 weeks of not being able to write anything.

Minutes to Midnight

Watch the cars
Pass by like the time
Stare at the moon
Provides dim light it feels so right.
Gaze at the stars
Makes me feel small as I stand tall.
On these midtown streets
Deaf to all the sounds that drone on like steady beats

I can’t describe this feeling
So real and empty at the same time
Wishing just this once for something to be black or white.
I don’t know what I’m searching for but I hope that it comes soon
A few minutes to midnight, and I’m just waiting by the moon.

Is time moving fast
Or am I moving slow?
Are these burdens this heavy
Or is there a way to carry them I don’t know?
I buried my troubles
But they come back every time
Always seeking revenge
On my thoughts and on my mind

I can’t describe this feeling
So real and empty at the same time
Sifting through the gray for just one thing to be black or white.
Don’t know what I’m hoping for but I hope that it comes soon.
A few minutes to midnight, and I’m just waiting by the moon.
A few minutes to midnight, that I’m just wasting by the moon.

I won’t let myself break this easy.
I’m too uncertain to be sure
Too young to know what I believe
Cause I don’t want to spend my life
Confined by thoughts I never chose,
I’ll find out what I believe
When my heart has found it’s home.

A few minutes to midnight, and I’m just waiting by the moon.
A few minutes to midnight, and I’ll keep waiting by the moon.

I think the ending you wrote for the first song is wonderful. It tied it together perfectly and that last line is really powerful. Excellent!

And I really like this second song too. The verse that begins "Is time moving fast..." is my favorite. I can definitely relate to that. And I think the repeating line "A few minutes to midnight, and I'm just waiting by the moon" is absolutely beautiful.

Quote :

This is great. There are so many phrases and lines in this song that are fantastic. I do get more of a poetry vibe than a music vibe though, as you were saying, but only in the first two verses. The chorus and the third and prospective fourth verse (which I really like as it is) seem to have more of a musical flow to me as I read the lyrics. Here are some of my favorite lines:

And Bluejay
Was the crack of heat lightning on a soft summer night

A three-time deserter of the old church choir loft (LOVE THIS)

Her one-two punch sent shivers up my spine

So I hid myself behind this mask
Of Motown soul and generosity

Haha, my friend who I'm usually confident enough to show my work to didn't have quite the same reaction as you (although, in her defense, what I've posted is a lot diferent than what I showed her, in terms of tone (and probably just quality). It's really assuring that someone else enjoys it. As always, thanks.

Now, I've got a week-long vacation down the shore, and I've brought an old notebook with me, so I guess I'm going to have my own little "every word handwritten" experience.

Also, for some strange reason, it seems I'm having trouble quoting your post, although it appears I've fixed it for now.

MattL wrote:

Quote :

This is great. There are so many phrases and lines in this song that are fantastic. I do get more of a poetry vibe than a music vibe though, as you were saying, but only in the first two verses. The chorus and the third and prospective fourth verse (which I really like as it is) seem to have more of a musical flow to me as I read the lyrics. Here are some of my favorite lines:

And Bluejay
Was the crack of heat lightning on a soft summer night

A three-time deserter of the old church choir loft (LOVE THIS)

Her one-two punch sent shivers up my spine

So I hid myself behind this mask
Of Motown soul and generosity

Haha, my friend who I'm usually confident enough to show my work to didn't have quite the same reaction as you (although, in her defense, what I've posted is a lot diferent than what I showed her, in terms of tone (and probably just quality). It's really assuring that someone else enjoys it. As always, thanks.

Now, I've got a week-long vacation down the shore, and I've brought an old notebook with me, so I guess I'm going to have my own little "every word handwritten" experience.

Also, for some strange reason, it seems I'm having trouble quoting your post, although it appears I've fixed it for now.

You should show your friend this version of your song. I think it's really good. And I hope you have a great vacation. That sounds like the perfect place to have your "every word handwritten" moment.

I feel like I might be invading on this slightly but hey, here it goes:
It's about my sister leaving home and the cigarette thing is just because I like the imagery it creates.

From Easier Times

We light up one more cigarette
To everything we left behind.
To the old abandoned dairy
And to the good times we had there.
To the crackling heart of fire
And to the nights we spent sat by it.
To the messages that we breathed
And the glass on which we wrote.
I hope the world takes care of you
Like these rotting, cold bricks used to.
I hope that words comfort you
On the same way your pride used to.
The tree’s horses scream a goodbye
As you walk away from the shadowed road.

Life is sad and simple here
It's been just over a year
We use her name in grace
We remember a healthy face
Grown men standing around in fear



It's the way the music sounds
The way the world goes round
Roses in the spring
Late summer flings
To this earth I'm bound

AGoodTime wrote:

I feel like I might be invading on this slightly but hey, here it goes:
It's about my sister leaving home and the cigarette thing is just because I like the imagery it creates.

From Easier Times

We light up one more cigarette
To everything we left behind.
To the old abandoned dairy
And to the good times we had there.
To the crackling heart of fire
And to the nights we spent sat by it.
To the messages that we breathed
And the glass on which we wrote.
I hope the world takes care of you
Like these rotting, cold bricks used to.
I hope that words comfort you
On the same way your pride used to.
The tree’s horses scream a goodbye
As you walk away from the shadowed road.

This is beautiful! Does you sister know you wrote this? I'm sure she would love it. And I think the lit cigarette adds to the feel of this poem is really good imagery. These are my favorite lines though:

To the messages that we breathed
And the glass on which we wrote.

That's a great image right there.

And please don't feel like you're invading in this thread! It's great to get more people to post their writing and I really enjoyed this. I hope you continue to share your work with us.