How to make friends as an adult?

Hi all,

I just got out of a year-long relationship and I realized that I don't have a lot of friends and a great support system around here. I moved towards the beginning of the relationship, and never really made new friends in immediate area, and when I spent time outside of the relationship, it was either with my family or with friends I missed and wanted to see back where I moved from (I moved about 30 miles across the DC area, which isn't unbearable on weekends but with traffic, etc., makes weekday socializing very difficult).

How do I make friends as an adult? Most of the friends I have and the people who have been helping me through this are long-distance friends from college, or friends who were in the area who are no longer here. I've only ever had really productive times making friends through forced interactions like school, and I don't have that peer group at work (I'm the youngest person on my team and the only single one). A lot of the activities I like don't necessarily lend themselves to formal friend-making opportunities either - I like watching sports a lot more than playing them, I like seeing music rather than making it, etc. I seem to have an easier time talking to women (in a friend/brother mode) and I'm not sure how to approach my own gender and make new friends, which just saddens me.

I've gotten generic advice like "join a club!" or "volunteer" but it's very hard to make that leap solo, and especially when you're still feeling hurt and somewhat raw. Does anyone have any good advice or tips? Also, I suppose, if you're in the DC area, and you and I like at least one of the same bands - I wouldn't mind the possibility of getting to you know you better.

Thanks,
Josh

Just by doing what you're doing here-

Keep going out and socializing wherever you are and eventually you'll meet other people who will hopefully become friends. For example, there must be some DC-based social groups that have message boards (like Meetup or what have you). If you like sports, maybe join up with another message board like Dimestore, but for your favorite team. Things like that.

NeverTrustAJunkie wrote:

Just by doing what you're doing here-

Keep going out and socializing wherever you are and eventually you'll meet other people who will hopefully become friends. For example, there must be some DC-based social groups that have message boards (like Meetup or what have you). If you like sports, maybe join up with another message board like Dimestore, but for your favorite team. Things like that.

^^THAT. You are bound to find people in the DC area on boards like this. Especially if you like sports teams that are located near you. Maybe just make an extra effort to single out and become better friends with specific people on boards that you like and then try to meet in person (although less creepily than i just worded it, haha). Think about how you get to know people in other areas and just apply it to locally. Like I met you at a show but it was far from home for you, so just try to chat up ppl at DC shows. It helps if you get there early and wait in line.

StitchesOnTheRadio wrote:

It helps if you get there early and wait in line.

Very true! Made most of my Gaslight friends in line waiting.

I've met some very cool people before shows. I have a habit of just going to shows alone, because a lot of times other people just aren't free, and it never fails to find some other people going in the bar across the street.

Everyone is always sociable after a beer or two.

I meet people at online forums for bands and become very good friends.

Here is one such story

http://www.dearbennichols.com/post/40858409611/benworksacamera

I struggle with this myself. I'm in my last semester of college, and I never really made any friends there since I commuted. Most of the (few) people I talk to I went to high school with and we have stayed friends. I'm not the type to take the initiative and I find making new friends to be sort of hard. Having similar interests definitely helps, i agree. I'm just glad to hear i'm not the only one with this problem.

I am so glad I am not the only one who has this issue. I have a hard time making friends my age. I think my hobbies and interests keep me from finding people who are my age.

JimmyB wrote:

I am so glad I am not the only one who has this issue. I have a hard time making friends my age. I think my hobbies and interests keep me from finding people who are my age.

exactly my problem. obviously, i'm a music person, or I wouldn't consume so much of my time with things like this forum lol but the friends i have don't share my interents on a a lot of things. I'm a twin and she and some of my friends have very similar interests that are so opposite mine and i often find myself left out. its dumb, but its been a big issue lately. I mean they don't have to love gaslight or anything, but they don't even know them. Their into a lot of pop punk stuff that I just cant get into. I find myself feeling like a loner because I just can't follow along with them.

My biggest problem is that I'm not really one to drink or party and at 21, that kind of alienates you. or so I've learned. I got myself into a rut of being surrounded by a small group of people and now I'm really looking to branch out but at this point in my life, it's a little difficult.

i know what you guys mean, i'm really quiet around people i don't know & i feel like it can be difficult/awkward to make friends as you get older. it's easy enough to make friends in school, but once you're outside that environment & if you're not particularly outgoing, sometimes it's hard meeting people you have lots in common with or find interesting.

the internet can be great for that though, like others suggested above!

the friends i have now are from college except one, from high school. and then i met my boyfriend here, haha.

I've been around longer than most of you and fortunately have very little problems making friends wherever I go. Most important be yourself. If you have to be someone else for them to like you, they're not your friends and eventually you will be found out anyway. You will also lack self-confidence pretending to be something your not. Eye contact is very important ,it makes your interactions more personal and memorable to others. Looking away can be taken as a lack of interest. A sense of humor can help a tremendous amount, its a great icebreaker. Also along those lines and even more important is smiling. Who are you going to talk to first a smiling person who's looking at you or one who's scowling looking away? Small talk is very helpful, whether your making coffee at 7-11 or standing on line somewhere. You must also accept people for who they are, no-one is perfect and searching for a perfect friend wont work. Looks are also deceiving, go by whats on the inside. Moochers and users are NOT your friends. Gaslight fans are among the nicest people, I'm 51 now and have been to a bunch of shows and have made some friends at these shows . Don't try too hard, you're not alone, others are just as eager to make more friends. I'm not Ann Landers or claim too be an expert, just life experience and trying to help

I kind of have the same problem but I'm not too bothered about it really. I've got a core unit of about 5-10 people that I can talk to and see, even though they don't live near me anymore I can talk to them whenever. I've got a few friends where I live, then some more from my childhood. The fact that I don't drink always makes parties and stuff like that awkward and I just end up getting really shy. Same with gigs on my own.

5 - 10 people? That IS a lot for me! I've my boyfriend, that's all. People I work with are nice but they never asked me to see them somewhere else. It's been 4 year now that I see nobody (except in the last 9 month my bf only twice a month 'cause he lives far from me)! I like being alone most of the time, I love reading and listening music, that's not somethings I can do with people. Gig? Alone. Holiday? Alone. So I don't mind being alone most of the time but I need friends anyway.

So I kinda understand what you mean, but can't help.

My biggest problem is: What do I say to people? I mean, I could talk about music for hours, but not a lot of people are like this and I feel like they don't give a shit. I even gave up having a band because of that.

4 month ago I was still living with my parents, but now, I wake up, alone, go to work, eat alone, go home, alone.

Good luck...

It seems there are a few people in a similar position. When I was at uni I had two great friends I lived with but since I finished last Summer I haven't seen either of them. I am now back living at home and my best mate from where I live has gone off to Australia for a year so I don't particularly have friends that I hang out with now. It's kind of shit that I nobody I know seems to like a lot of the bands that I do too which usually means going to gigs on my own. I'd rather not because it's harder for me to speak to new people when I'm on my own. I'll be going to the Leeds show in March so hopefully I will meet new people at the show. Even if I don't the main thing is the music. I can't wait

I've been in the same boat where the only person I hung out with my husband. Which is ok cause he's a cool guy, but over the past couple of year's I've really come to value spending time with my female friends. I've met people by joining a team at the gym or thru work. The key for me has been to continuously nurture those friendships and keep them alive. So often people just fall out of communication and a friendship is lost. It can take work. I also used to think that I wasn't worthy of friendship, and I have nothing interesting to say so would anyone want to be friends with me, it just took me awhile to build some confidence.

I have no answer to this. Kind of navigating this myself post college. It's easy when you're surrounded by people with mutual obligations to see each other like school or dorm life because that initial getting-to-know-each-other phase just happens. So awkward trying to make that happen when me and the other person have no real reason to see each other outside of happenstance. Hope this has been helpful haha.

HolyBreakOfDay wrote:

5 - 10 people? That IS a lot for me! I've my boyfriend, that's all. People I work with are nice but they never asked me to see them somewhere else. It's been 4 year now that I see nobody (except in the last 9 month my bf only twice a month 'cause he lives far from me)! I like being alone most of the time, I love reading and listening music, that's not somethings I can do with people. Gig? Alone. Holiday? Alone. So I don't mind being alone most of the time but I need friends anyway.

So I kinda understand what you mean, but can't help.

My biggest problem is: What do I say to people? I mean, I could talk about music for hours, but not a lot of people are like this and I feel like they don't give a shit. I even gave up having a band because of that.

4 month ago I was still living with my parents, but now, I wake up, alone, go to work, eat alone, go home, alone.

Good luck...

I guess I don't have a girlfriend so don't have that. And then I've lived in three different places so I've got a couple of friends from each then a couple of guys I'm starting a band with. I don't think you need a load of friends anyway, a lot of people go for quantity over quality these days.

I'm cool just sitting in my room watching tv and listening to music. I've only managed to make one friend go see Gaslight, all the others I've gone alone.

Hi all,

Thanks for the kind words. My apologies that it's taken a few days to get back on here - I've been trying to keep busy (the breakup actually happened last week, which is why I was scrambling) and I've also been traveling for work, so I haven't been online much.

I've made good friends before and I guess it's more determining what I am interested in and finding the time to do it, and finding people around here for to do it. I feel I lost a bit of myself in this last relationship so I need to determine that.

I guess my main issue is that I have a bit of an anxiety about approaching people. I can have a conversation with anyone about almost anything, but I tend to have a hard time making the approach - whether it's for romantic interests or otherwise, I tend to doubt myself and why they WOULD want to talk to me. But if someone breaks the ice it's hard for me to shut up. It's weird.

I'm going to have to work on it. It might just take getting my overall confidence back up to truly act on things.

jdc wrote:

I guess my main issue is that I have a bit of an anxiety about approaching people. I can have a conversation with anyone about almost anything, but I tend to have a hard time making the approach - whether it's for romantic interests or otherwise, I tend to doubt myself and why they WOULD want to talk to me. But if someone breaks the ice it's hard for me to shut up. It's weird.

I'm going to have to work on it. It might just take getting my overall confidence back up to truly act on things.

This is my problem also. I always doubt myself. I find myself really surprised when people actually WANT to talk to me. I guess I should give myself more credit.

Eh. Everyone doubts themselves. Even the person you can't work up the nerve to talk to.

I have met a lot of people in forums--political and music related.

I moderated 2 libertarian forums with 30,000 for 5 years and made no real friends even after meeting them in person.

I have met very nice people here and in the Lucero Facebook page and via Twitter. I like the people so much that I am going to fly to Birmingham tomorrow and then go to Ole Miss and Memphis for Back-to-Back-to-Back shows. I am older than most of the people in this group but they have accept me and taken me in like family. They put me up in their homes and travel with me.

As an Ole Miss alum I am excited about Saturdays' show in Oxford.

In March I am going to see Gaslight with Billy and Zack F from here in Atlanta. I met Billy here and then met in person at the Dec 2011 show in Asbury--also went to that show with Sara Goodman whom Imet online talking Springsteen.

I met a lot of people online and have developed several real friendships as far away as Austrian with Manu/Enolala who was also in Asbury in Dec. 2011.

What usually happened was I inboxed people here and then we friended each other on Facebook and ran with it there.

Good luck-I know it is hard to meet people post-school but music forums and concerts are a great place to meet people with whom you have at least one commonality.

If you're looking for a relationship, hit a Lucero show in the show--a good number of very friendly nice looking women andmen go there from what I can tell after a dozen shows in a little less than a year.

I know how you feel man. I am graduating college in May and I have found myself looking for a job that will most likely relocate me to a different state. (Which is actually what I want.) But now the realization that I need to start over with my social life is starting to hit me.

I know where you're all coming from. At 29 I'm probably a bit older than some of you guys on this thread and my situation is that I married and moved away from my hometown at 22. That was a double whammy because a) i was settled down when all my friends were young and socialising and b) even when i was out being young, it was 100 miles away.
I became newly single 6 months ago and returned to Birmingham (UK) where I'd lost touch with many friends and the ones I'm still mates with are all - to a man - now settled down and a bit too consumed with their own lives.
You meet a few new people here and there but they don't just become good friends right away. Also I have a friend here, a friend there, another here, rather than one good solid group of old friends.
So basically my weekends are based around rare nights out with certain friends when they have their one blow-out of the month (and even then it needs to be organised weeks in advance and usually gets cancelled).
I work from home/out on jobs rather than with lots of people so there's not like a team to get along with.
Frustrating! 29, for christ's sake! We should be having more fun!
So any Brits in the midlands let's go out and have the craic!

I've been thinking about you tonight. Since a few week we've writting to each other with an a friend from business school that I haven't seen since 5 years. And tonight we spent the night together, with her and another friend from that moment and that was fucking great. I hope to see them more often. I cried the whole way back home because it felt so good to... you know, have friends! If you know someone you wanna see again, don't hesistate, write a message, say something, the worst that could happen is a "no". And the best you can get is ... not possible to write it in words

Spoiler:

This is an interesting topic. As someone in my 20s, I too have had issues with this. I spend a lot of time hitting concerts of all kinds by myself, and this seems to be conducive to friend making.

Almost every time I go to a show by myself I meet people, usually by accident. Singles at concerts seem to attract if you let yourself, and often times groups of people having a good time will assimilate individuals into their groups.

I met one of my few long time friends by mutual fanship and going to the same gigs. Forums are also a good place. Same friend...met through a forum. Helped each other out with some ticket situations and ended up being "concert buddies".

It's a digital age these days. Forums, chat rooms, social media...they're the modern day bar scenes. Bars are okay, but in my experience, they're not the social emporium that they used to be. Sporting events and concerts...gatherings of like minded people to a singular event are where I've had the best luck. How goes the search?