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 Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]

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63 posters
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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Posts : 13514
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 18, 2012 5:29 pm

I wrote this poem early this morning while I watched the sunrise at the beach. It's my way of saying goodbye to the depression that has been weighing me down, and working toward being in a better place, while knowing that this is who I am, and at some point the darkness will find me again. But today, I'm releasing it and moving foward, hopefully in the right direction. Smile

"Welcoming the Light"

The sand and the sea meet
Two bodies intertwined
Altering the coastline forever
While the town sleeps
Beneath a red sky night

The roar of the waves
As they crash on the shore
Replace the riotting murmurs
In my cluttered mind and aching bones
And I know a change is gonna come

The tide rolls higher
As the stars disappear
Washing away the broken shells
Of past life
Leaving the world at peace

Goodbye darkness my old friend
Sailing out beyond the pier
Until the time we meet again
Like the sand and the sea
Under a red sunrise
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Jack
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Location : Jersey

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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 18, 2012 6:36 pm

Ohhhh I like that a lot. Big fan right here. Last stanza = love.
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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IrishNameAndAnInjury


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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 18, 2012 6:37 pm

JohnnyC wrote:
Ohhhh I like that a lot. Big fan right here. Last stanza = love.

Wow, thank you! Very Happy
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DeathoftheCool
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 18, 2012 11:15 pm

JohnnyC wrote:
Ohhhh I like that a lot. Big fan right here. Last stanza = love.

i agree. lots of hope. no more sounds of silence! Wink
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 8:32 am

DeathoftheCool wrote:
JohnnyC wrote:
Ohhhh I like that a lot. Big fan right here. Last stanza = love.

i agree. lots of hope. no more sounds of silence! Wink

Haha, thanks, Matt! Yeah, I'm going to try to stay away from the sounds of silence. Wink
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Christophe
The '59 Sound
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Age : 33
Location : England

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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 8:38 am

That is really good Shannon. Smile I like the little song references in there as well. I imagine being in that setting gave you a chance to really think clearly.
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 8:55 am

JimmyB wrote:
Rough draft of a song I call- "Meet me tonight"

I remember being 18, standing in the rain
Running down the streets, feeling the poison in my veins.
Letting my guitar cry out my pain
While the world went down the drain



What have the years done to you
Did they steal away your dreams
Did the years turn you mean
Did they steal away your dreams
did they turn you mean
So

Meet me tonight-In the desert
Meet me tonight-In the burned out factory
Meet me tonight-in a dark and empty dream
Meet me tonight-meet me tonight.

What did you always say
Something about trying to make it day to day
Hiding the pain away from the world

Meet me tonight-In the desert
Meet me tonight-In the burned out factory
Meet me tonight-in a dark and empty dream
Meet me tonight-meet me tonight.


When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

Now here we are girl, Two survivors of the recession
Now dont talk to me about a depression


An empty house on a forgotten street
The table is still set for a dinner to eat.
The World has moved on,
So When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

Okay Jimmy, I have a few comments for you. Let's start with the positive. I really like the chorus. I think you posted it a while back and I told you I liked it then. Especially the line "Meet me tonight in the desert". It reminds me of The Eagles "Peaceful Easy Feeling" and I love that song. Smile I think you have a lot of good lines in this song actually. "An empty house on a forgotten street/ The table is still set..." is another one that stands out to me. I like the imagery.

Now a couple of suggestions. I reread your song a few times, and it feels a little disjointed to me. You talk about wanting to meet this girl and be with her, how you're both survivors, but then you say "don't talk to me about a depression". That just seemed a little weird to me. What exactly were you trying to say there? I think I may be either over thinking it or not interpreting it correctly. And I think each stanza is great on its own, but maybe there's a way you can tie them all together a little better. Like maybe write a little about how the 18 year old guitar player turned into the guy in the rest of the song, and what happened to the girl over the years to steal her dreams and turn her mean? Maybe you could explore that a little. There's a lot of promise with this one, I think you just need to make it a little more personal by telling the characters' stories a little more. But this is a really good start! Smile
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 9:00 am

Christophe wrote:
That is really good Shannon. Smile I like the little song references in there as well. I imagine being in that setting gave you a chance to really think clearly.

Thanks, Christophe! Smile I often put references to songs in my writing because they are such a huge part of who I am. Music is life. Very Happy

Yes, being at the beach when everything was quiet and still did give me a chance to think clearly. I really needed that! In a way, this poem is kind of an epiphany for me. It's me turning the record over Wink and making a choice to try to move on from the place I've been stuck in.
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Steve70s
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 9:43 am

Not written for ages but working on this:

No face stays the same,
A mask for the pain,
No one left to blame,
Buried under shame.
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 1:51 pm

Steve70s wrote:
Not written for ages but working on this:

No face stays the same,
A mask for the pain,
No one left to blame,
Buried under shame.

I like it! A mask for the pain is a great line. Post more when you get it written please. Smile
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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 11:28 pm

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:
JimmyB wrote:
Rough draft of a song I call- "Meet me tonight"

I remember being 18, standing in the rain
Running down the streets, feeling the poison in my veins.
Letting my guitar cry out my pain
While the world went down the drain



What have the years done to you
Did they steal away your dreams
Did the years turn you mean
Did they steal away your dreams
did they turn you mean
So

Meet me tonight-In the desert
Meet me tonight-In the burned out factory
Meet me tonight-in a dark and empty dream
Meet me tonight-meet me tonight.

What did you always say
Something about trying to make it day to day
Hiding the pain away from the world

Meet me tonight-In the desert
Meet me tonight-In the burned out factory
Meet me tonight-in a dark and empty dream
Meet me tonight-meet me tonight.


When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

Now here we are girl, Two survivors of the recession
Now dont talk to me about a depression


An empty house on a forgotten street
The table is still set for a dinner to eat.
The World has moved on,
So When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

Okay Jimmy, I have a few comments for you. Let's start with the positive. I really like the chorus. I think you posted it a while back and I told you I liked it then. Especially the line "Meet me tonight in the desert". It reminds me of The Eagles "Peaceful Easy Feeling" and I love that song. Smile I think you have a lot of good lines in this song actually. "An empty house on a forgotten street/ The table is still set..." is another one that stands out to me. I like the imagery.

Now a couple of suggestions. I reread your song a few times, and it feels a little disjointed to me. You talk about wanting to meet this girl and be with her, how you're both survivors, but then you say "don't talk to me about a depression". That just seemed a little weird to me. What exactly were you trying to say there? I think I may be either over thinking it or not interpreting it correctly. And I think each stanza is great on its own, but maybe there's a way you can tie them all together a little better. Like maybe write a little about how the 18 year old guitar player turned into the guy in the rest of the song, and what happened to the girl over the years to steal her dreams and turn her mean? Maybe you could explore that a little. There's a lot of promise with this one, I think you just need to make it a little more personal by telling the characters' stories a little more. But this is a really good start! Smile
Well, I am still working on it, and exploring how to make a story out of both sides. Weird thing is...I get a chorus stuck in my head, then I try to work lyrics around it.
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 11:34 pm

JimmyB wrote:
IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:
JimmyB wrote:
Rough draft of a song I call- "Meet me tonight"

I remember being 18, standing in the rain
Running down the streets, feeling the poison in my veins.
Letting my guitar cry out my pain
While the world went down the drain



What have the years done to you
Did they steal away your dreams
Did the years turn you mean
Did they steal away your dreams
did they turn you mean
So

Meet me tonight-In the desert
Meet me tonight-In the burned out factory
Meet me tonight-in a dark and empty dream
Meet me tonight-meet me tonight.

What did you always say
Something about trying to make it day to day
Hiding the pain away from the world

Meet me tonight-In the desert
Meet me tonight-In the burned out factory
Meet me tonight-in a dark and empty dream
Meet me tonight-meet me tonight.


When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

Now here we are girl, Two survivors of the recession
Now dont talk to me about a depression


An empty house on a forgotten street
The table is still set for a dinner to eat.
The World has moved on,
So When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

Okay Jimmy, I have a few comments for you. Let's start with the positive. I really like the chorus. I think you posted it a while back and I told you I liked it then. Especially the line "Meet me tonight in the desert". It reminds me of The Eagles "Peaceful Easy Feeling" and I love that song. Smile I think you have a lot of good lines in this song actually. "An empty house on a forgotten street/ The table is still set..." is another one that stands out to me. I like the imagery.

Now a couple of suggestions. I reread your song a few times, and it feels a little disjointed to me. You talk about wanting to meet this girl and be with her, how you're both survivors, but then you say "don't talk to me about a depression". That just seemed a little weird to me. What exactly were you trying to say there? I think I may be either over thinking it or not interpreting it correctly. And I think each stanza is great on its own, but maybe there's a way you can tie them all together a little better. Like maybe write a little about how the 18 year old guitar player turned into the guy in the rest of the song, and what happened to the girl over the years to steal her dreams and turn her mean? Maybe you could explore that a little. There's a lot of promise with this one, I think you just need to make it a little more personal by telling the characters' stories a little more. But this is a really good start! Smile


Well, I am still working on it, and exploring how to make a story out of both sides. Weird thing is...I get a chorus stuck in my head, then I try to work lyrics around it.

As far as the writing process goes, I don't think that sounds strange at all. I often get a line stuck in my head and create a poem around it. Sometimes it's just a word or an emotion, not even a whole line. You have to go with what stands out and see where the inspiration takes you.

Since you said this was a rough draft, I figured you were still working on the flow of everything and the little details. You have a great start, just work on tying all of the elements in together and you'll be good. Smile
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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 11:35 pm

Then again...I wrote that whole thing in about 5 minutes or so.
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 11:40 pm

JimmyB wrote:
Then again...I wrote that whole thing in about 5 minutes or so.

That's awesome! I think when the words just pour out of you that fast, it means you really have something. It doesn't mean the work is over, but when inspiration strikes like that, it's always good to listen and just go with it.
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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 11:43 pm

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:
JimmyB wrote:
Then again...I wrote that whole thing in about 5 minutes or so.

That's awesome! I think when the words just pour out of you that fast, it means you really have something. It doesn't mean the work is over, but when inspiration strikes like that, it's always good to listen and just go with it.
I can write out songs in a few minutes IF there is an inspiration and I can get to a computer/pen and paper quickly...now anything worth keeping...that is a whole nother story.
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 11:45 pm

JimmyB wrote:
IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:
JimmyB wrote:
Then again...I wrote that whole thing in about 5 minutes or so.

That's awesome! I think when the words just pour out of you that fast, it means you really have something. It doesn't mean the work is over, but when inspiration strikes like that, it's always good to listen and just go with it.
I can write out songs in a few minutes IF there is an inspiration and I can get to a computer/pen and paper quickly...now anything worth keeping...that is a whole nother story.

Haha, yep, I get that! I write a lot of stuff that isn't worth showing anyone, but it's all part of the process. Sometimes a real dud can end up giving you an idea for something better.
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eagles1139
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Age : 30
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 19, 2012 11:58 pm

I know this technically doesn't fall into Poetry and Lyrics but because there's no general Writing thread that I know of I wanted to see if any of you were interested in reading the beginning of a story I'm working on. It's semi autobiographical. You'll also notice the inspiration for the big brother character....


It was not the heat or the closing of school that let him know summer had arrived but the familiar rumbling in his stomach. It hit him every year, usually when he was driving with the windows rolled just far enough down that the wind didn’t attack his eardrums. That rumbling, more an old friend than an ache, told him of the things to come.
It told him of late nights and dark mornings, sleeping only when his adventure-ridden body had taken enough sweat and dirt and beer. Golden-haired girls dancing and smiling those deadly smiles, his glossy eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses. Swimming in Old Frank’s pool when he was out running errands, an eye always kept on the driveway. Coming through the front door and starting dinner before mom could smell his breath. Sitting in the back of that black pickup that always seemed a day from death. The Saturday night silence.
That rumbling in his stomach came with no warnings of the harsh sting of summer, the one that at the right time could bite harder than the cold he so despised. He wasted no thought on it. No matter what he did it would hit him in the gut on some night in July and all those sweet sounds of summer would be echoes in the distance.

He woke to a ringing pain so sharp that in a moment of bizarre terror he had to clutch the damp bed sheet to assure himself of his surroundings. Never before had he been in such blinding agony in his own bed. The bruises under his eye and on his chin came as no surprises but when he ran his fingertips down the backside of his head the countless number of welts was enough to make him lean over the bedside and put his face in the bucket again.
That stale taste of beer lingered in the back of his mouth like a cruel taunt. He knew he could get up and brush his teeth but peeling himself from the mattress seemed impossible. Just as he found a relatively painless position for his head on the pillow, he heard the doorknob turn and his stomach dropped.
“What the hell, Tommy?”
He let out a cool breath. Only Brian.
“I had a long night,” he said, rolling over so Brian could see the worse side of his face.
Brian raised a hand to his face and scratched the stubble on his chin like he always did when he was making up his mind on something. “What’s the other guy look like?”
Tommy laughed and sat up. An involuntary groan left his lips and he covered it up with as confident of a smile as he could conjure. “Better than me.”
“Does mom know yet?”
“No,” Tommy said at once. “And she’s not gonna.”
Brian stared at him for a moment and then shook his head, grinning with restrained amusement. He turned his forearm over and began to chip at the dead flakes of skin from his newest tattoo.
“You know how I hate that,” Tommy said, snatching a second pillow from the floor and placing it over his face.
Brian ignored his remark. “You better find a way to make that pillow stick there if you’re thinking mom won’t see.”
As an answer to his brother’s joke Tommy let the pillow slide back to the floor. As he stared up at the ceiling, his left eye blurry with red, he felt like a dog chained up in the rain. The pain wasn’t as much an issue as the restlessness, the growing realization that all of the fire of summer was trapped in a broken shell of a body. More than anything he felt old and that made his chest heavy and his eyes sting.


I would REALLY appreciate any feedback.
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeWed Jun 20, 2012 12:17 am

@eagles1139 - I love this. REALLY. The way you describe everything that Tommy is feeling, how Brian scratches his arm where his new tattoo is, the little details like the taste of stale beer in the back of his mouth...It's all fantastic! I feel like I know these guys. Razz

What hooked me right away was how you described the way the beginning of summer made Tommy feel in his gut. So, so good. And of course Brian being the inspiration for the big a brother, Brian. That's so cool!

I really want to see where you end up taking this story. Are you thinking of submitting it to a magazine or something as a short story, or is this the start of a novel?
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eagles1139
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeWed Jun 20, 2012 12:26 am

Thanks so much.

To be honest I don't really know where I am going yet, I just kinda got that original description of summer in my head and worked from that. I don't know how long the story will be but I do plan to continue with these characters and I hope to have a complete story - maybe a novel - that reinforces that original opening about summer. What I feel might be special about this story as opposed to stuff i've tried to write before is that I am writing about summer and how young men are shaped and changed by the events of summer, while I am actually experiencing my last summer before going to college.

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TGAforLIFE
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeWed Jun 20, 2012 12:33 am

eagles1139, that's really good! I can just picture it. Good imagery and everything. Maybe you could describe what his newest tattoo is? Just one idea. But, keep up the writing!
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeWed Jun 20, 2012 12:50 am

eagles1139 wrote:
Thanks so much.

To be honest I don't really know where I am going yet, I just kinda got that original description of summer in my head and worked from that. I don't know how long the story will be but I do plan to continue with these characters and I hope to have a complete story - maybe a novel - that reinforces that original opening about summer. What I feel might be special about this story as opposed to stuff i've tried to write before is that I am writing about summer and how young men are shaped and changed by the events of summer, while I am actually experiencing my last summer before going to college.


That sounds awesome! From how you write, I thought you were older than that. You definitely have a talent for writing and I think this story is going to be great. I hope you post more when you get it written.

And enjoy your last summer before college. That was probably my favorite summer ever, but a little bittersweet too because I knew life would change when the season was over.
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DeathoftheCool
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeWed Jun 20, 2012 12:53 am

eagles1139 i really liked it, you created a really distinct picture... where are you from? if you don't mind me asking
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eagles1139
I'da called you Woody
I'da called you Woody
eagles1139


Posts : 721
Join date : 2011-08-22
Age : 30
Location : Connecticut

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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeWed Jun 20, 2012 1:00 am

DeathoftheCool wrote:
eagles1139 i really liked it, you created a really distinct picture... where are you from? if you don't mind me asking

I'm from a small town in Connecticut....Part of the reason I'm so drawn to the Americana stuff is that there's really an absence of it in my town. Just a lot of rich people doing rich people things (I live kinda on the outskirts and am nowhere near as wealthy as the majority of the town)

As the story progresses I will get into Tommy's relationship with his town and it is kind of a reflection of how I feel about where I'm from.

I really appreciate the positive feedback and I will post more once I write finish off this first chapter.
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OldManShoes3
Red In The Morning
Red In The Morning
OldManShoes3


Posts : 67
Join date : 2012-06-19

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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeWed Jun 20, 2012 1:54 am

Wow a lot of you guys are really good lyricists. I just started writing some lyrics within the past month, might post some of it on here it a little...
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DeathoftheCool
The Navesink Banks
The Navesink Banks
DeathoftheCool


Posts : 1953
Join date : 2010-07-26
Age : 29
Location : The Dreaded Barbary Coast

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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitimeWed Jun 20, 2012 2:11 am

I don't remember if I've posted this or not. I'm currently recording songs with my buddy, this is one of them. I'll post the recorded songs when they're done!! This song was weird for me because it was a real hybrid story, it's just a bunch of different events I've experienced rolled into one, cuz I realized that no one really knows that it's a bunch of separate things, since it all comes together as one story in the song.

Do you guys ever write songs that predict your future? It's weird...

Distant City

You said you’d always be looking for a sign
That would wave you in like runway lights
‘Cause right now London seems so far away
And New York just gets so cold at night
See, I always kind of timid
My thoughts dark and brittle
Shriveling like fossils beneath the ice
I saw Maggie at the station
Plagued by hesitation
Floating though the swamps in my memory

When those kids got in that accident
That’s when I knew I had to leave your arms
When the sun broke on the city
That’s when I knew I had to leave your arms

There’s something I see when I get up close
Like a skin deep secret or a graveyard ghost
And your heart looked like a lantern when we walked in the park
All bones and Bourbon and glow in the dark
And your car’s just like a shelter
We oughta run away
I’ve had enough of people telling me what to say
I felt it burning in your fingers
When the salt crystallized
I caught a glimpse of sweetness between the eyes

I thought I saw graffiti
The messages all written in your hands
When we touch our feet on southern soil
We’ll sink this distant city in the sand

And you drank up all your secrets
And you prayed for the dark
And you twisted up my words like Groucho Marx
‘Cause you sent me over bridges
Back up to San Rafael
And I felt it in your waters and in your cells
And when you drifted through the parties
Did you hear Thin Lizzy?
And did they ever play any Hold Steady?
‘Cause they’re what keeps reminding me of you

When those kids got in that accident
That’s when I knew I had to leave your arms
When the sun broke on the city
That’s when I knew I had to leave your arms

I thought I saw graffiti
The messages all written in your hands
When we touch our feet on southern soil
We’ll sink this distant city in the sand
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 18 Icon_minitime

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