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 Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]

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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeThu Jun 14, 2012 11:15 pm

Girl quit being such a tease.
A true lover is hard to find
Someone to pass the night
A true lover is hard to find.
Did I cross your mind

Does this sound like a good start?
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeFri Jun 15, 2012 3:13 am

Intro: Bm F# G D Bm F# G A
Bm F#
The street lights dim and the wind dies down
G A
Mary stands alone in her white wedding gown
Bm F#
Watching the ships from an old widow's walk
G A
Her mind is a maze, her heart is a rock

D Bm
And her man, left alone to die
G F#
On the waves of fate and a red morning sky
D Bm
She sent him straight down, straight off of her cliff
G A
Her love was an anchor, and he was a stiff

Break 1: D A G D G F#


Bm F#
The man's name was Jim, a sailor by trade
G A
Who played a guitar in a holy crusade
Bm F#
He sang day and night, on a bridge by the bay
G A
The waves were an audience, the sea was his pay


D Bm
And oh man, he fought through the pain
G F#
He bested the waves, and bested the rain
D Bm
He rose up above the dark swirling sea
G A
To make back to Mary, who stood on the quay

Break 2: D G F# D A G


Bm F#
Mary had a lighthouse that shone through her heart
G A
And cut through the grey fog that kept them apart
Bm F#
Mourning her man, she turned out her light
G A
That she'd held out for sailors in a red sky night

D Bm
And old Jim, he saw land next morn'
G F#
He waved his white flag, and sailed into port
D Bm
He walked up the path, to his old cottage home
G A
Where Mary she waited, but waited not alone


Break 3: D Bm F# D G F#m

Bm F#
'Oh James,' she said, with her back to the wall
G A
'There was no one to see, there was no one to call'
D Bm
'I waited so lonesome on that old widow's walk'
G F#
''Til he swept me up, right off of this rock!'

Solo: D Bm F# D G F#m D A G D G F#


Bm F#
The streets light come up, the wind howls like hell
G A
Jim stands alone, cracked right out of his shell
Bm F#
The gallows he climbs, the last hangman's walk
G A
In the light from her house, he sails off the rock


I'm not sure if I should end it there. Basically, a man was lost at sea. His lady waits for him eagerly, he fights to get back to her, but she loses hope. When he returns, she has found a new love, and so the man jumps off the cliff into the sea.

That's how the story is, both literally and figuratively. You can come up with the figurative way, though, because it's not really an interpretation if I'm telling you how it is.

Constructive criticism, please... Should I add more at the end/anywhere at all/change stuff up?
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeFri Jun 15, 2012 8:49 am

Matt, I think this is great! The changes you have made really add to the song, and whoever suggested that you name the characters was right on, because that made it a lot more personal.

I think the way you have it ending right now is perfect. The story has come full circle and Jim has returned to the sea (by jumping off a cliff rather than sailing away), so it felt complete as I read it. I love all of the nautical elements to ths song, the sailing, the red sky night/morning, the cliffs and the sea. I think the imagery you used and the way you described how Mary and Jim felt throughout the song really made it meaningful and heartfelt. Really good job!
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 3:11 am

Oh, wow, thank you so much Irish! I'm not going to lie, I actually choked up a bit reading your post because I had always been afraid of sharing anything creative in fear people wouldn't like it. Thank you so much!

Also, I added this to the song:

D Bm
Jim looked at his girl, and then at her guard
G F#
He'd fought for her hand, and he fought for her hard
D Bm
Her love for this sailor had long ceased to burn
G A
Jim walked into the night to never return


It's right after he returns to his home and before he leaves to jump into the sea. I felt there was a gap between "Finds he's been replaced" and "Kills self" so I wanted to explain a little bit more about why he did it.

Right now I'm trying to get a good recording going, I'm not too sure how I want to play it, though.
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:34 am

MattL wrote:
Oh, wow, thank you so much Irish! I'm not going to lie, I actually choked up a bit reading your post because I had always been afraid of sharing anything creative in fear people wouldn't like it. Thank you so much!

Also, I added this to the song:

D Bm
Jim looked at his girl, and then at her guard
G F#
He'd fought for her hand, and he fought for her hard
D Bm
Her love for this sailor had long ceased to burn
G A
Jim walked into the night to never return


It's right after he returns to his home and before he leaves to jump into the sea. I felt there was a gap between "Finds he's been replaced" and "Kills self" so I wanted to explain a little bit more about why he did it.

Right now I'm trying to get a good recording going, I'm not too sure how I want to play it, though.

Aw, you're welcome, Matt! And you can call me Shannon. Smile I completely understand what you mean when you said you were afraid to share your writing. It's scary putting yourself out there like that, but I'm glad you did. I meant what I said, this song is great!

I like the new part you added too. Especially the line "He'd fought for her hand, and he fought for her hard." It's kind of sweet and old-fashioned, and in those few words it sums up how much Jim wanted Mary. Very nice!

When you get a recording done, please post it so we can hear it! Smile
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Harbortown
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 10:04 am

Quote :
The street lights dim and the wind dies down

Mary stands alone in her white wedding gown

Watching the ships from an old widow's walk

Her mind is a maze, her heart is a rock
Very nice.
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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 8:28 pm

I've been trying to write something happy lately...Kind of sick of all my songs not being anything close to happy.
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Jack
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 8:49 pm

Here are some lyrics to a song that I have two versions of, neither of which I think are good enough to release. However, I like the lyrics a bit and I feel like I should contribute to this thread, so...

Gnarled branches knifing out into a perfect Jersey sky
No living soul will know my name or where my ashes lie
My blood was warm and my heart was pure when you sank your teeth
Into me, now my thirst grows each passing day for the venom underneath

I know my mistrust don't make you a traitor, but I'm past the point of knowing

Shadows envelope me, wringing out my empathy
Shadows falling now, blanketing the blood-soaked ground

I hear the ticking of the turn signal blowing me off this well-worn path
The pavement is flecked with the memories of our fathers before they left this cast
Smiling at us with those devilish glints bouncing off their shining eyes
While you just shook your head and walked away, never said another word or even tried

He got a tombstone and I got these pills once upon a time
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loazis
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 8:50 pm

JimmyB wrote:
I've been trying to write something happy lately...Kind of sick of all my songs not being anything close to happy.
cheers
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Jack
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 8:53 pm

Haha I just realized I posted those (none-too-happy) lyrics right after that post. To me it just depends on the way I'm feeling. I can't fake a happy song if I'm not feeling it. Those lyrics were written in the darkest period of my life, so they reflect that (or at least I think they do, I don't know).
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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 8:57 pm

I just learned something....It is extremly difficult to write a happy rock song.
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loazis
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 8:58 pm

JohnnyC wrote:
Haha I just realized I posted those (none-too-happy) lyrics right after that post. To me it just depends on the way I'm feeling. I can't fake a happy song if I'm not feeling it. Those lyrics were written in the darkest period of my life, so they reflect that (or at least I think they do, I don't know).
I believe Dallas Green from Alexisonfire and City & Color said something interesting about it. I think it was something along the lines of "People always think I am a depressed or tragic person because almost all my songs are sad. But it's just that I write music when I feel sad, when I have problems I need to confront. It's my way of dealing with the negative things in life."
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IrishNameAndAnInjury
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:00 pm

JohnnyC wrote:
Here are some lyrics to a song that I have two versions of, neither of which I think are good enough to release. However, I like the lyrics a bit and I feel like I should contribute to this thread, so...

Gnarled branches knifing out into a perfect Jersey sky
No living soul will know my name or where my ashes lie
My blood was warm and my heart was pure when you sank your teeth
Into me, now my thirst grows each passing day for the venom underneath

I know my mistrust don't make you a traitor, but I'm past the point of knowing

Shadows envelope me, wringing out my empathy
Shadows falling now, blanketing the blood-soaked ground

I hear the ticking of the turn signal blowing me off this well-worn path
The pavement is flecked with the memories of our fathers before they left this cast
Smiling at us with those devilish glints bouncing off their shining eyes
While you just shook your head and walked away, never said another word or even tried

He got a tombstone and I got these pills once upon a time

I like this! It's dark and heavy and kind of sinister, and those are all really good things. Like you said in another post, when you are in a mood like this, you have to go with it and write how you feel. I can't write anything happy when I'm not feeling upbeat either.

I think the last stanza and the final line are especially great. I can picture what's going on and feel it, and that's what should happen when you're reading poetry or lyrics. And the last line is like a final blow that knocks someone out cold. Tombstone and pills. The end.

Do you have a recording of this? I want to hear how it sounds. Smile
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Jack
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:02 pm

loazis wrote:
JohnnyC wrote:
Haha I just realized I posted those (none-too-happy) lyrics right after that post. To me it just depends on the way I'm feeling. I can't fake a happy song if I'm not feeling it. Those lyrics were written in the darkest period of my life, so they reflect that (or at least I think they do, I don't know).
I believe Dallas Green from Alexisonfire and City & Color said something interesting about it. I think it was something along the lines of "People always think I am a depressed or tragic person because almost all my songs are sad. But it's just that I write music when I feel sad, when I have problems I need to confront. It's my way of dealing with the negative things in life."

Very true. I think the hardest emotion to deal with in music is anger. Not frustration or anything like that, but pure anger and hatred. It's so easy to cross the line into sub-Durstian drivel. As much as it might feel great to call a girl who wronged you a bitch in a song, I feel like the listener would never get behind that, since they don't know the girl and don't know that she's such a bitch. They just hear the singer calling some poor girl a bitch haha...I think that made sense, not sure.
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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:05 pm

Yeah, that is one thing I don't do in my songs...The ones that you can basically taste the disgust and hatred at this girl, I never NEVER mention names...I always use a name like Janey, Sarah, or any classic names used in rock songs....
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Jack
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:07 pm

IrishNameAndAnInjury wrote:
JohnnyC wrote:
Here are some lyrics to a song that I have two versions of, neither of which I think are good enough to release. However, I like the lyrics a bit and I feel like I should contribute to this thread, so...

Gnarled branches knifing out into a perfect Jersey sky
No living soul will know my name or where my ashes lie
My blood was warm and my heart was pure when you sank your teeth
Into me, now my thirst grows each passing day for the venom underneath

I know my mistrust don't make you a traitor, but I'm past the point of knowing

Shadows envelope me, wringing out my empathy
Shadows falling now, blanketing the blood-soaked ground

I hear the ticking of the turn signal blowing me off this well-worn path
The pavement is flecked with the memories of our fathers before they left this cast
Smiling at us with those devilish glints bouncing off their shining eyes
While you just shook your head and walked away, never said another word or even tried

He got a tombstone and I got these pills once upon a time

I like this! It's dark and heavy and kind of sinister, and those are all really good things. Like you said in another post, when you are in a mood like this, you have to go with it and write how you feel. I can't write anything happy when I'm not feeling upbeat either.

I think the last stanza and the final line are especially great. I can picture what's going on and feel it, and that's what should happen when you're reading poetry or lyrics. And the last line is like a final blow that knocks someone out cold. Tombstone and pills. The end.

Do you have a recording of this? I want to hear how it sounds. Smile

Thanks! That's certainly what I was trying to convey with the final verse/stanza, so I'm really glad that came through. As for a recording...I don't have one at the moment and honestly I'm in no rush to do one, since I'm not a big fan of either version. Completely different melodies, but they're both fairly dark. One's sort of folky and the other's sort of a Soundgarden dirge, but neither one clicks. I feel like it might just work best on the page.
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Jack
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:09 pm

JimmyB wrote:
Yeah, that is one thing I don't do in my songs...The ones that you can basically taste the disgust and hatred at this girl, I never NEVER mention names...I always use a name like Janey, Sarah, or any classic names used in rock songs....

Oh, no, I'd never mention a name, that's just cruel haha. I meant more that I have difficulty sorting my pissed-off feelings into lyrics. If the anger's directed at myself, different story haha. But I find it difficult to convey pure vitriol in words without it coming across as trite or juvenile.
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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:14 pm

Rough draft of a song I call- "Meet me tonight"

I remember being 18, standing in the rain
Running down the streets, feeling the poison in my veins.
Letting my guitar cry out my pain
While the world went down the drain



What have the years done to you
Did they steal away your dreams
Did the years turn you mean
Did they steal away your dreams
did they turn you mean
So

Meet me tonight-In the desert
Meet me tonight-In the burned out factory
Meet me tonight-in a dark and empty dream
Meet me tonight-meet me tonight.

What did you always say
Something about trying to make it day to day
Hiding the pain away from the world

Meet me tonight-In the desert
Meet me tonight-In the burned out factory
Meet me tonight-in a dark and empty dream
Meet me tonight-meet me tonight.


When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.

Now here we are girl, Two survivors of the recession
Now dont talk to me about a depression


An empty house on a forgotten street
The table is still set for a dinner to eat.
The World has moved on,
So When the world has given up the charm of life
And it seems as though nothing goes right, Just hold on.
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loazis
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:25 pm

JohnnyC wrote:
JimmyB wrote:
Yeah, that is one thing I don't do in my songs...The ones that you can basically taste the disgust and hatred at this girl, I never NEVER mention names...I always use a name like Janey, Sarah, or any classic names used in rock songs....

Oh, no, I'd never mention a name, that's just cruel haha. I meant more that I have difficulty sorting my pissed-off feelings into lyrics. If the anger's directed at myself, different story haha. But I find it difficult to convey pure vitriol in words without it coming across as trite or juvenile.
I hardly ever finish songs, but when I write about people, I usually take a name or description that represents that person for me. It's hard for me to truly believe my own lyrics if I called a girl that was or is important enough for me to write about a random name like Mary or Sarah. If the name Mary would represent that specific person for me, it would work though. Because of Blue Jeans & White T-Shirts, the name Virginia has become a symbol to me that I can use for a character. In a similar vein, Dickens' (and as such Gaslight's) Estella and the concept that I connect "her" to are a central theme in my writing and musings.

That was probably incomprehensible but it's almost 2:30 AM over here and I am tired as hell.
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Jack
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:31 pm

loazis wrote:
JohnnyC wrote:
JimmyB wrote:
Yeah, that is one thing I don't do in my songs...The ones that you can basically taste the disgust and hatred at this girl, I never NEVER mention names...I always use a name like Janey, Sarah, or any classic names used in rock songs....

Oh, no, I'd never mention a name, that's just cruel haha. I meant more that I have difficulty sorting my pissed-off feelings into lyrics. If the anger's directed at myself, different story haha. But I find it difficult to convey pure vitriol in words without it coming across as trite or juvenile.
I hardly ever finish songs, but when I write about people, I usually take a name or description that represents that person for me. It's hard for me to truly believe my own lyrics if I called a girl that was or is important enough for me to write about a random name like Mary or Sarah. If the name Mary would represent that specific person for me, it would work though. Because of Blue Jeans & White T-Shirts, the name Virginia has become a symbol to me that I can use for a character. In a similar vein, Dickens' (and as such Gaslight's) Estella and the concept that I connect "her" to are a central theme in my writing and musings.

That was probably incomprehensible but it's almost 2:30 AM over here and I am tired as hell.

I use all sorts of names all the time...I counted it up on the record I just released and the results are as follows:

Elizabeth, Holly, Frankie, Bobby, Gloria, Romeo, Joanna, Rose, Roberta, Danny, Skull, Glory

There are only 10 songs on it haha.
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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 17, 2012 9:34 pm

I want a few different opinions on what I just post a couple posts ago...you know the...."Meet me tonight" Rough draft...
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Harbortown
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 18, 2012 6:23 am

What is the song about?
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JimmyB
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 18, 2012 7:01 am

A girl. Trying to keep it positive.
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Jack
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PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 18, 2012 2:56 pm

I feel like the lyrics are kind of vague or general...not that it's necessarily a bad thing, but they're fairly simple. If they're put to a great melody then they'll read well. If they aren't then they won't. That's basically the gist of it, in my view.
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Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 18, 2012 3:28 pm

I tried playing along to it and signing it on guitar, and I felt that the sort of meter was a bit off in places

I did like the prelude to the chorus:

What have the years done to you
Did they steal away your dreams
Did the years turn you mean


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Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics]   Creative Writing [was: Poetry & Lyrics] - Page 17 Icon_minitime

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